Nike views LeBron not as a basketball player, but as a shoe model.

"The man in golf cart inside LeBron James complex says he does not know when decision will come"

I mean, I can see it in the context of the Oven....

"You gots yourself a real nice place here, Tawny. Be a fuckin' shame if somethin' should happen to it.....pick the Heat, and nothin' will. Think of it like, I dunno, your own personal Zoo Insurance. We'll be watchin', Tawny....do like that old knight-lookin' dude did in that Illinois Jones movie—pick greatly, or…

"Because he's the hero the Nets deserve, but not the one they need right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A BrooklynKnight."

haha! See, it's funny because nobody who thinks it was funny was actually there, watching a 16 year old get raped!

'"I love baseball, football, all sports,' Masters himself told LIFE magazine in 1966..."

If Bravo is looking to expand the "Real Housewives" series to Boston, they've already got the group of cast members, right there in the clubhouse.

So......"Horny Creep Watches Sports, Gets Paid To Ogle", then?

"Yeah, see, THAT was my problem, so shut up, sportswriters! Or maybe you WANT a dead rat sent to you? Is that it? I can do it, y'know, 'cause I got, like, a ton of those fuckers, just for this reason...."—Dave Kingman

Sam Lowry's reign of terror is OVER!!

"Too much, son..."—Jeremy Meeks

Mark Parent approves of this. I mean he REALLY likes it.

Okay...NObody thought of a "blitzkrieg" joke, but apparently Twitter broke because of the Holocaust jokes? Try harder, losers.

Kudos to the school for the action, but all this was worth just a "sexual battery" charge? Here's hoping the continued investigation leads to some additional, stronger charges.

"Shut it, nerd! Get back to your mom's basement, baseball nerd! I don't need any GOOP or that crap to tell me who's good! Know who was good? JOE FUCKING MORGAN, THAT'S WHO!"—old, white sportswriters

Oh, I get it! It's a new campaign by the White Sox! Vote for Sale for the AS Game, and Mark Parent will come and fondle his junk for you! Seems like an....odd sort of promotion, but I admit, I'm not in Promotions or anything like that.

"...with which you furiously masturbate to Prince Fielder while telling yourself you're just admiring his athleticism."

Well, hell! If you can't do the time, don't do the cr......oh, wait, nevermind.....

"Impressive effort, but it obviously still needs work."—the International Olympics Committee