Manziel and OJ would make awesome Heisman Big House commercials.

I’m not making fun of you, but mistaking Japanese beetles for an apocalyptic sign of the return of a plague is hilarious.

What you describe is exactly what I didn’t want to do. I would have had a stroke watching reports about the Dow today. Suddenly, we all must care very deeply about the market, as though it were the teat that collectively suckles us all, instead of being an exploitative system designed to benefit the very few, and buy…

A Tucker Max rough draft? So, a finished Tucker Max story, then?

Your problem was hiring David Brent as your investment manager.

Here’s a Billy Bragg song that uses a Rudyard Kipling poem as lyrics. The poem, from that world-class imperialist*, argues against empire to create a kind of paradox in which an arch-imperialist argues for the dignity of the individual human being.

New reality show: Johnny Manziel, Dez Bryant, and a troop of Capuchin monkeys share a house together.

As Americans, for our entire lives, we essentially get this message: “you’re on your own. If you want something, work for it. Life is not fair.” And on and on.

Kids today. What are you gonna do?

Wow. You’ve taken this more seriously than voters for any HOF or the Academy Awards.

I’m just old enough and bitter enough to be brutally honest.

The Gamblors.

I’ll do the same thing in my living room to celebrate the first Sunday of the NFL season.

He looks as happy as a bride at her arranged marriage to one of her father’s 62-year old business associates.

That could only have been a beautiful thing.

I don’t know about Ben Simmons, but I’m sure Bill Simmons could find a sloppy drunk celebufriend to come on and ramble about how the situation with Hinkie was nothing — absolutely nothing — compared to what happened and continues to happen to poor Tom.

I always dug the Mango bit on SNL when Mango would pretend not to know who “Ben Whofleck” is, which would only lead to Affleck becoming obsessed with Mango:

Ah. I didn’t follow the link. We can add “Professional Athlete Squalor Porn” to “Ruin Porn”.

Maybe they had the cash to rent the house just for the dog as a giant dog house.

Are you from Cleveland?