Twenty-six? Why don’t you just take the entire roll out of the bag and just wipe your ass with the whole thing while you are at it.

What about certain “Marital aides?”

I second that emotion

“It’s drinking the water!”

WojSupernova

Garoppolo had 118 yds passing with 2TDs and 70 rushing yards? I believe that the sounds you heard was every Browns fan cumming. After that, they got excited about his potential as a QB.

Yes, but I still have to clean up pee and poop. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

My dad was a large man. He had a car that had a seatbelt that would automatically place itself on you when you turned the car on. He would usually have my brother or me start the car, allow the belt to go over us, have us crawl out, then he would sit on top of the belt. Role models.

As a former custodian at Discovery Zone, Chuck E. Cheese and Wal-Mart, the worst thing to clean up is poop in the ball-pit. All of the following had to be done every time someone made any kind of excrement in the pit.

The answer is two. But how did they get in the lightbulb?

That’s exactly it. I do that on planes too.

I have three young daughters. Whenever I get dragged shopping and I have free time, my favorite activity is standing there and staring into space. It tends to be rather disconcerting to the retail employees, but hell, my mind just needs a mental rest.

Say hi to your mother for me.

While waiting, he is looking inside of his shirt and spelling “attic”

“The person who gets the most pepperoni wins. They also die of congenital heart failure, but they die A CHAMPION.”

And they said that Christmas was 10 days ago.

Sometimes I use the stall just to pull my pants all the way down and piss. And sometimes I just do it at the urinal. It feels so free.

Wait a minute. A $450 gift card could buy you an actual Belk.

What am I going to do about my legs, Charlie Murphy!

How is “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” still a thing in 2016?