I am going to put the title of this article as my Tinder profile, minus the words Burger King.

You can’t really get a sound bar until your wife and kids stop watching stuff on your TV that is really loud. You think I want to listen to “Henry Hugglemonster” or “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” in surround sound? Factory speakers for me, thanks.

Please kids. This arrest may be thrown out at some point, but this story and video will live forever on multiple web sites. Don’t go full ape over something as silly as jalapeno mac and cheese. Your future self will thank you when you are looking for a job.

Teach me.

It was probably Benjamin, Hartline and Crowell

So many people pee and poop there. So many.

Always ask the babysitter what they want to eat and go get it for her. This serves three purposes.

At least they didn’t force their crappy album on to your iPhone.

Oh man, they were both on the same 2001 NCAA runner up team? That was before the good innanet. Never give big money to a player who was around before good innanet.

He called the shit “poop”

You need to address Bid Whist. It’s ok to learn how to and participate in the game. It is not okay to renege. If you renege, even on accident, don’t even bother coming back.

That gave me flashbacks to Earnest Byner in the AFC Championship game.

At least it didn’t happen during Puppypalooza.

The best way to get a neighbor off of your back is start going on and on about your church, whether you go or not. It usually delays/abandons most facebook requests, play dates and invitations to their country club really quickly.

Running out of a traditional I or Pro formation sure beats the hell out of any modern type system.

All hail the new ruler of the NFL, the honorable Jasper T. Jowls.

I missed out on a lot of Don Pablo’s because I didn’t get he answering machine message in time.

The best year ever was 2007. You could watch youtube and browse websites with out all of the ads. All of the freaking ads. One day I will tell my children that there was a time that you didn’t have to watch a 30 second commercial about a political candidate or detergent before you watched a music video. They will fall…

If you are drinking that heavily, would it be easier or harder to pee in a onesie?

Maybe he can pull a Tristan Thompson and start throwing with his other arm.