I can’t imagine that. 

I just watched her comedy special the other week and now she is my hero. A big FUCK YOU ASSHOLE to all the cretins who think women are going to fold and give in to blackmail. Take away their power to frighten and intimidate women for being human.

We were eating at a Thai restaurant once and my BF asked if they cooked shellfish in the same oil as the chicken and the server said no. After 3 bites of his chicken, my BF’s mouth started tingling and swelling. He asked again and the server said yes. It was a minor allergic reaction but holy shit to anyone with a…

I worked at a place where the dishwashers were charged $5 a week for breakage. The owner also screwed people out of their tip money (withholding some of it) and watched the restaurant from home with the cameras she had installed. The servers used to hide in the blind corner to have a quick bite, but she was a good…

“Find me a baby, but not a real brown one, though.”

Well, he was suspected of trespassing and that is next door to being a serial killer so the police were doing God’s work in Trump’s America

These neighbours had to know the family was having some kind of crisis. But fuck that, keeping up the resale value of their house is more important than a sick kid. The family needs a helping hand, not self-entitled POS with closed hearts.

The only thing my mother wore was lipstick.  I never learned how to put on eyeshadow or mascara until I was in my 20s.  I still can’t do foundation without looking like the clown from It. 

Every time I see someone driving one of these big trucks in my suburban neighbourhood I want to say, “sorry about your small dick.”.

He tasered her and it didn’t seem to faze her. She was up like a pop up clown.

Yeah, it just screamed, “look at how quirky I am.”

This is really petty but whenever I tried to watch that show I was always distracted by her cutesy little girl hairstyle.  I always wondered why a grown woman would wear a style that juvenile. 

My sister came home with the baby in his carrier, sat it down and then forgot completely about him for about an hour. She had a full panic attack, where is the baby???. Sleeping in the hallway still fully strapped in his car seat.

My kid fell out of her high chair and landed on her head in front of me. She rolled down a flight of stairs with me next to her. I almost crushed her hand in a car door, I saw the hand at the last minute. She was riding her bike down the street and turned into the path of a car. On her first day of school, another…

Fuck Halloween.  One year I put on a name tag that just said “Roger”.  When anyone asked, I said American Dad.  Not one person got the joke. 

One of the sadder persons I know left his faith which meant leaving his family and his whole world. He’s hoping that as his kids get older they will talk to him. The Us vs Them mentality is very strong. 

At age 21 I was worshipping B52 shots in bars.  

My rule is not to take relationship advice from anyone under the age of 40 because WTF do they know.

All I know is that one mocked a suicide victim and the rest of them will drink their own piss for views. 

I’d be ashamed to admit that I spent money on it. It’s like that bright green sweater you ordered on-line and then shoved in the back of your closet. No one needs to see your mistakes.