No lie, that sounds like Donald Trump tweeting from Deeley’s account.

Mine work great but I also feel guilty now. Is there a competitor? I don’t want to buy those snap on washable pads in twee prints that shift around, and a Diva Cup made me feel like I was smuggling highball glasses in my vag. I like Thinx because they’re plain, comfortable and easy to wash.

Hipster capitalists are almost adorable. 30 years from now, every company is going to make press releases like “Yo, we aren’t really doing healthcare coverage right now, but we treated all our employees to a mandatory ayahuasca retreat with Shaman Randall, so....”

I can’t tell you how many times I purposely provoked those chickens into killing me. I think I need help.

“You wear a disguise to look like human guys...”

The Black Eyed Peas are hard at work on a graphic novel in which our hero fends off aliens and zombies with hip-hop.

Now that President Obama has moved on, it’s actually nice to see the new leader of the free world sitting in the Oval Office, and also Donald Trump.

If yer daddy was a member of a Nazi-affiliated group and yer affiliated with an antisemitic political party and ya wear that Nazi group’s medal on television and sign yer name in tribute to a Nazi group and that Nazi group sez yer a member and when yer asked whether yer a member of a Nazi group ya just say “No…

You forgot:

They are already off to a bad start.

I think Trump has softer, daintier hands than I, a woman in her 30's, has. You can’t unsee it!

It’s weird to me how young his hands look compared to his face. That’s the opposite of many people I know.

In the meantime, 45 invaded Syria last week. Somehow I missed that.

We’ve also got no ambassadors, don’t forget. He gutted the State Department, too.

The Daily Beast reported back in September that Bharara’s office was investigating money laundering within the Russian government.

Sounds like you just plagiarized part of “A Gronking to Remember”.

Hey Trump, shouldn’t you be golfing?