It usually takes at least three rereads to hash out the word salad.

Everyone has answered this more eloquently than I could have. How can a 70+ year old man sound so whiny?

Whenever something like this comes out I have to wait for a written transcript. I refuse to even look at him, much less listen to him.

Apparently he buys a brand called Brioni, but off the rack instead of tailored. (There are way too many articles on this!)

And it’s coming from this sloppy, lumpy dotard. I’m too petty to hold any office. “That hair! *rips off weave* Sir, you look like you could use something instead of this scotch tape. *opens box with French flag tie bar*”

That hair. Just because she’s a country performer does not mean she needs a perm in 2018. I distrusted her from the start because she seemed uncomfortable.

“I’ll break your arm, that’s what I’m about to do,” an officer can be heard responding.

Hmmmm, Rump didn’t even praise FIRST RESPONDERS or LEOs. Tsk tsk.

I’ve started intentionally putting random parentheses in my tweets to keep myself entertained. “Last night’s episode of Atlanta was really good (great)!”

Whenever I read these stories, I whisper quietly to myself. “Voluntarily? Voluntarily.”

That should have been item #1.

Ah, I have my dates wrong. I was still too young to have aggressively negative reactions to grown ups. “It’s that orange tacky man with no real money.”

Trump would do cameos in 80s movies when they featured his real estate. I was maybe four-years-old thinking, “Gross. All that gold. This man does not know what money is or how to spend it.”

I considered this. Since all his hires are the best hires, I could absolutely believe she doesn’t know the case by name.

The English raped my ancestors on their wedding night in an effort to breed them out of existence

I really love that video.

If someone broke into my conversation just to holler about lovin’ Trump, I’d probably laugh and/or tell her to fuck off. There has to be more to this. She probably said something muuuuch worse.

I know it’s weird, but I hate her intentional hillbilly voice. I guess she’s supposed to sound “folksy,” but if your job is to be a spokesperson, you can fuck off with that. I’m southern and my accent is ridiculous, but I’m able to speak without it when I’m not in the south.

There were no comments when I read this and didn’t want to admit I was halfway through the article before I realized it wasn’t real.

A friend asked “omg have you watched the new Roseanne yet?” YET!? NO. No sir. There will be none of that.