Same here!

That’s a ... Lada pressure.

Isn’t this the first step that leads to Snowpiercer being necessary?

I absolutely love the lines but this looks like a goddamn Logitech Harmony remote. 

Yeah...I found this 10,000 on the side of the road. Good thing I picked up that 9,000 dollars. Who knows what you would do if $8,000 went missing. Damn shame about that $7,000.

Officers on scene were unable to determine if the driver was sober, as he refused to speak, exited the vehicle, stood stock still for a second, then fell over. His injuries consisted of a large swelling on the top of his head, and a number of asterisks orbiting his head. Upon inspection of the vehicle, deputies noted…

Where exactly did everyone think the free range organic zebra steaks came from?

Since Mexico is on the metric system I think it would be more precise to say it was a “metric fuckton” which is actually larger than an imperial fuckton.

San Francisco, where there are facilities to shoot up heroin safely, but you better not get caught with an e-cig!

Since it’s French it can go backwards at the same speed it can go forwards.

Guy: “I’d like $500,000 to conduct an experiment.”

Neo-fascist? You sound like a whiney liberal idiot. How are they fascists you moron. 

Don’t give them ideas.

In the winter it has a dual purpose, you can render videos at the same time as you warm your house.

It’s really time to have physical switches for cameras and microphones on phones. 

Ethan came from San Mateo CA.
Snapchatted his way across the U.S.A.
Genderswapped his photo on the way
Snapchatted with a perv and then put him away
She says, “Hey, po-po,
Take a walk on the perp side.”
Said, “Hey, Davies,
Take a walk on the perp side.”

I crop dusted an entire plane on the way back from the bathroom.

Half-life 3 confirmed

omelette du fromage

Anthropologists will look back and declare that once we had to stop rewinding and being kind to each other, the crumbling of the empire began.