I encountered Chloe Sevigny about 10 years ago at a dyke bar in NYC. She was easily the most needlessly bitchy person in the entire (packed) bar.

Still heartbroken 2 months later. He was my furry soulmate. So many people don't get it. I once read that the death of a pet is a wholly personal experience, as in noone but you can truly experience it.

I used to say that my cat and I had to go together because he was my world.

Unfortunately, I don't think kitty would die 5 hours later. She'd probably start eating you while you were still warm. I'm a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day, I know. But I mean, if kitty dies and you follow suit.. True love, that.

God... I feel more alone right now than I did on Valentine's Day...

You mean the huge feud that everyone forgot about until you brought it up just now? Yes, everyone stop talking about that thing that nobody was talking about until I reminded them.

C'mon craig. Practice what I'm sure you've preached:

I'm much, much, much more concerned with our bloated military budget than I'll ever be with social program fraud.

You know you're an asshole when even Canada, the politest country in the world, is like ERMPH. BACK UP, TURN AROUND, WALK AWAY.

One of my brothers friends drank mountain dew all the time. They referred to him as Sperm Hitler.

I seriously live for this feature.

Katy Perry, woman who has not previously born children, would almost certainly be months (2 most likely, maybe even 3) from a baby bump if she were in fact, 2 months pregnant.

the idea of registering skeeves me out period but I know I will have a shower and people will want to buy gifts. I'd rather get useful stuff than crystal vases or whatever people buy. I think I'll be registering though thankful so that we aren't pigeonhole to some big box.

TOO CLOSE TO HOME

When I don't wear mascara people ask me if I'm dying of stage 4 cancer, so Uma, I feel yew heavy.

When Papa John's first opened in Chicago a few years ago, their delivery zone stopped 2 blocks from my apartment, and they refused to deliver to a street corner. Damn you, Papa John's!

Girl, why are you ordering your own pizza? Do you not have assistants that can do that shit for you? Were you so high you ordered a pizza on your own phone and said it was for "Iggy Azalea," not even giving them a fake name? C'mon now.