I wonder if Simon’s asshole ever gets jealous of all the shit that comes out of his mouth?

Every now and then guys will ask me if these are my “real eyes.” I’m pretty sure they’re asking if they’re colored contacts, like you said, but I’ve gotten to the point where I always reply, “No, I carved them out of a dead hobo’s skull.” It’s just confusing and off-putting enough to make them leave me alone.

“I thought you were cute but you seemed like a huge bitch” plot twist! I am one!

I’m always so amused by this shit, like “you’re a 5 on the coasts but a solid 7 inland” as if the men saying it are goddess’ gift to women. I just finished my masters degree at a 75% male school where guys say shit like this all the time. And they’re some strange looking, reddit lurking, mother fuckers. The women’s…

What is happening in this thread I love it am I high

You should try decimation. All of the fear instilled at a 90% discount in training new employees.

If you think about it, any story about food is the beginning of a poop story.

“It was an enormous, enormous triumph,” Steinem told ABC “We feel very celebratory and positive that we have created a voyage across the DMZ in peace and reconciliation that was said to be impossible.”

oh god we need more of you

Well, the cast has spoiled SNL for the past 15 years, so there is that.

I'm sorry. I'm a fan of this little thing called flavor.

Kerrygold is the best anyway!

I bounced a bowl of fancy little French pickles off his forehead, one by one, and the waiter brought me a fresh bowl.

I dated a guy in law school who broke up with me, on Valentine’s Day, in a fancy French restaurant. Apparently he thought I would not make a scene in public. Apparently he had learned shit about me in that year we dated. I bounced a bowl of fancy little French pickles off his forehead, one by one, and the waiter…

Commenters disagreed: One wrote asking why the Kleins were so upset about GoFundMe canceling their fundraiser when the site was doing the same thing the Kleins had done, refusing the use of their product for something they didn’t agree with.

Back when I smoked, I got the chance to go to a fancy conference as an intern. The only other person that smoked at this job was the executive director, and I had to walk by her desk to take a smoke break. She would insist on going out to smoke with me and it was 50/50 she would bum a cigarette off me. As a result, I…

It’s cool, you can join our group. We’re the World’s Okayest Moms- and we’ve got the mugs to prove it. (sorry that the picture is giant and fuzzy) Here’s your welcome bouquet.