I have a guy who will leave pieces of paper in my chair (to be filed? to be processed? Who knows). He doesn’t leave a note, or talk to me about them. Just drops them off like I am his fucking secretary. WE HAVE THE SAME TITLE. I just throw them away.

Oh, the fucking handshakes! I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to shake hands with a man in a business context without him stopping to say some condescending shit like “Oh ho ho, what a firm grip you have!” like I’m a particularly clever toddler who just demonstrated she knows how to use a light-switch. For older guys…

When you meet people for the first time and they shake everyone in the group’s hand but yours because you are the only woman. Legit they drop the last man’s hand, look at me and then smile and nod. OHHOHOHOHOFUCK THAT I just stick my hand out obnoxiously and wait until they get uncomfortable and have to shake it. And…

Well, yes, but I don't see where he said or acted like he "deserves" the pat. I however give him the pat.

I will never understand the deep parsing of motivations that takes place when a politician does something obviously good. Look, people who were declared saints had a portion of selfishness in doing whatever they did. Fucking Jesus hesitated for a second before "dying" for 36 hours to "save" us all. There's a grain, or…

Exactly, because everyone knows that I go around to people's homes asking if they "have a moment to talk about the teachings of Laverne Cox."

He's easy on the eyes, but I don't find this guy particularly dynamic. I'd rather see Aasif Mandvi take the seat. Or Jay Smooth.

I was late for French (2nd year college so everything was in French all the time), and said, upon entering class, "Pardonnez-moi! Beaucoup de traffique." Everyone nodded except the professor who laughed, and we all looked at her, frowning. She said, "En Francaise, 'traffique' est... drugs."

This isn't that lame, but I think it's the funniest excuse I have heard. I was at work sitting in the boss's office when an employee came rushing in late. The boss asked why.

A kid who was late to my class once said that he was helping someone out of a burning building. I laughed and told him to take a seat. You have to begrudgingly admire someone with the chutzpah to try to pull off such a dumb and blatantly made up excuse.

Please don't take away our Hunter Fox:

I have never known a single server that actually succeeded in getting their employer to make up the difference. Not one.

I don't know if you win the best found him cheating story but you definitely get the best "revenge is best served cold" prize.

Holy shit, I love you. That is amazing!

I wanna be you when I grow up.

you a bad ass bitch *applause*

You're pretty much my hero right now

A friend of mine called his wife while we were in Afghanistan. She was really excited that to tell him that she was eight weeks pregnant. One problem: we had been in Afghanistan for three months. Turns out his wife was kinda bad at math.