I too enjoy pricing human beings out of bodily functions.

All my friends are dead of dysentery. :(

Frankly speaking, it primarily effects people who experienced an unexpected death or people that don’t know well enough how to do estate planning to limit the expense.

I used to babysit for a family with a chocolate lab rescue dog. She ate matches, a lightbulb, and two wooden stairs from the basement. I once heard an ungodly screeching noise, and discovered that she had pried the door trim off with her jaws and was happily devouring it. They were terrified of her, yet couldn’t give…

Meanwhile, [FIRE EMOJI]

Nooooooo!

It’s always been unclear whether Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek is at all amused by the long-running Saturday Night Live sketches about his show...

It came out too dark! Breakfast is RUINED!

That’s what I do: When I want to see Americans speaking English, I go to a kebab shop.

After being dead for 18 years, my father in law still has a stalker.

Also no cupcakes

I don’t have sexist ladyfriends. I have sexist ladies on the fouth tier of friendship that I keep firmly on the outside. Why do I never invite you over for homemade cinnamon rolls neighbor Carol? Because I can’t listen to you without wanting to scream.

That’s the dream, right? A man who cooks for you and can’t spell “our” correctly.

The greatest crime here is that those assholes are going to make it so I can’t sneak champagne into movie theaters anymore.

netflix, and you can do your own cavity search

5k.? 5k?????? 5k OVER A 2 YEAR PERIOD???????

I’m constantly shouting, “Heads up, Buttercup!” Eyes rise from phones at breakneck speed, especially when Buttercup is a twenty-something guy.

I love this story. Also, I would rather be in a plane FILLED with people furtively fucking in secret under blankets than have a kid kicking the back of my seat. Or be seated next to someone chatty. Fuck on, star-crossed roommates of the world!

I sent this to Hon. Kara Brown, as this is doctoral thesis levels of you-know-what.