I have a tongue-shaped hole in the side of my cheek from how not serious that comment was.

"But general media is really, really, bad at covering issues."

Wherever the caribbean people are. Goat is delicious. Cute animals are absolutely delicious. I have a theory that cuteness is directly proportional to deliciousness. I said that once to a friend on a ferry ride and a woman with a child shot me a dirty look. I wanted to tell her not to worry because her kid actually…

I live in a designated Fire Abatement District in my city, and we pay a flat fee every year that included the maintenance of a herd of goats that keep the dry grass in the hills short.

Circa 2002? Maybe 2003.

I was the Room Service Coordinator at a casino in Atlantic City, NJ. My job consisted of taking orders via phone, creating the checks, assigning servers, and closing the checks. Room service also handled all the amenities for the shows, so I've been on the phone with an assortment of…

An artist's depiction of Lily's editor hanging out in this comments section

It is worth noting that the man quoted above is 40 years old. One of the others is 39. Not really sure why he thought college girls were a workable strategy in this first place. I would have been extremely creeped out by a strange middle-aged man approaching me and giving me a ton of compliments and asking me weird…

Please keep talking, this is going great for you

resplendent.husband and I compete every year to see who can get each other the most hideous Valentine's Day present.

They ARE painful. And delicious.

My husband: "I really can't decide which half of that couple I'm more jealous of."

Eh. A choosy mom would name her baby Jif.

Everytime I do this pose I think of this:

Hold fast, the statute of limitations will expire soon enough.

Typically I just yell "Last one to finish does the dishes" and make it a race.

Nancy, what the fuck are you talking about please.

SugarHill is right that I'm a huge dick, but we don't have the same avatar. I'm pretty sure the astronaut is slightly further to the right in mine.

One of the worst pieces of jewlrey a dude could wear isn't even on this list: the Oversized Class Ring. Holy fuck, I can't stand that shit. Unless it's a $10k Super Bowl ring and you're hosting an episode of Sunday Countdown, you have no business wearing some gaudy piece of shit that you think shows the world…

The Streisand Effect!