I'm fucking a guy now that thinks he's going to make it some day in LA with his screenplays. ba hahahaha

Right? And last week with the corn dog...I kind of love him now.

I felt bad, but then I read "it was like being water boarded" and lost my shit

I'm sobbing, that's beautiful.

Post soul-crushing breakup, I briefly went out with a bald wannabe white rapper with a "home recording studio" in his closet and zebra print bedding. What's worse is that he was, well, a bit overweight and if he was on top when we had sex, not only would I feel like I was being crushed under his weight, but he would…

His name was Javier and I met him when I worked at the bookstore in college. He was super hot, but that's because all he cared about in the world was his body. Good for him! Good for him. But between working out and moisturizing and hair care and trimming and and and, there was...not much left. But super hot and…

........... go on

THE HELL I'M NOT

Thank you, I totally will! It's Friday and you're leaving!

the first brand in women's hosiery to incorporate the ancient healing art of Reflexology in its products

CAN EVERYONE STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS MORON'S DICK, PLEASE?

Amen. Just know that for every shithead who says dibs is some kind of "Chicago tradition," there's another keeping the tradition of anti-dibs vigilantism alive. This is how I ended up with several nice folding chair and an end table.

The best people never run for president. The very best people never even go into politics, they work in kosher delis and quietly put 15 people in a freezer to save them from terrorists without making a big song and dance about it.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you the tale of Saint Basil Fuckoff, the patron saint of waiters and bartenders.

The problem here is his friend's mother. Normally, this kind of thing would end quickly once he realized that he depends on your parents for things like food and shelter. Living on the streets is rarely preferable to overbearing parents. Once that happens, they have all sorts of leverage to get him to improve his…

So over the way this is being portrayed nationally.