Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think your'e going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.

Underage backcountry Taiwanese acrobats, you racist.

There's just got to be a better way to say that.

Can't he suggest they be the subjects of the shapeshifter's wrath in The Thing instead? I'd rather have a Neo Nazi running around who's an indiscriminately murderous alien than a skinhead.

In that case, try maybe growing an extra row of teeth, and develop pecs on top on your pecs.

Have you thought about changing your name to Blood_Ack? I hear they all love dumbass names like that.

His characters are all spliced with shark genes. Lose one tooth, two grow back.

So, all the women would be hobbled with only one foot, while their torsos flopped helplessly around their hips?

Basically. Boy, Viceland's sure set themselves up for an immediate smash hit!

Dude, your avatar looks just like my, uhh…

Featuring EXTREEEEEEEEME, beloved anti-hero, Bloodsplode™?

*Survivable female waistlines not included

Do you write all of Snoop's correspondence, or just the cards?

That they can remember, yes.

Maybe. Does it come with a Stan Lee cameo?

"…Steve Ditko!"

In Trump's Russia, however…

Thank god I'm not alone here. I was stunned by how little I cared for Anomalisa, as both a Kaufman and stop-motion animation fan.

Are you suggesting landing a role in an actually funny comedy is equally hard?

One more Horrible Bosses movie ought to cinch it.