TO BE FAIR, John Oliver does have tiny balls. *yells at picture of John Oliver for a while, then grins at the camera*

I don't mind anything that reminds me of an ex. Time passes and I mostly remember the good things, and I mostly just feel gratitude that I got to experience it. I'm like a hungry man outside a bakeshop, who sees beyond his own hunger to remember how well he ate, once.

You were asking for heartbreak when you started dating that Minneapolis hooker, Charlie.

Though like all good dudes I hate the fucking Eagles, I must admit that Don Henley sings the shit out of that song.

1. They moved my department to Belize.
2. It was one of those progressive discipline old yeller type situations.
3. I decided to take some time to discover my inner Alaska.

"Give me the Babs!" - Pascal to her hairstylist

Oh Herp, you'll say anything when you're feeling bored and contemptuous!

I'm going to have a hard time deciding who I can trust to dig me up so that I have a new profile picture every week.

yes.

But the first two rows of the crowd at the Grammy awards were going nuts for them, while the cameras were on them!

*gets ready to protest with his "NO BALD DRUMMER" placard*

As opposed to some other actor whose career has completely Johnny Depped.

The Faramir stuff was terrible, but I would also like to point out that they made an utter cock-up of the entmoot and the ents in general. Having them decide to stay out of the war, and then suddenly change their minds when they see deforestation—AND YAY THEY'RE ALL THERE AT THE SAME EDGE OF THE FOREST—well let's…

Examples or it didn't happen!

God help me, I've read it twice. Russian diminutives take some getting used to, for sure. "Vodka" is, itself, an affectionate diminutive for "voda" or water. Give a Russian sufficient quantities of vodka, and syllables will be added to sweeten it to the Russian ear. The longer the diminutive, the more affection is…

Finnegan's Wake surely has to be the most difficult slog of them all—I've never even attempted it. I've attempted Ulysses three or four times, and genuinely like it until it starts to become incomprehensible to me around the time of the pub headlines. As for Infinite Jest, it can't be as difficult as Joyce.

Time to celebrate the weekend with a grim and functional manual orgasm!

I type my emoticons manually, because I believe in the value of hard, shirtless work.

ALL RIGHT, CUT THE SHIT!

KRUSTY KRA-EE-AYYY-AYY-EE-AAB! IS THE BEH-EE-EHHHH-EH-EEE-EST…