Is there a diagnosis for people who can't stop diagnosing every person and character they see?

My current favorite was a haiku I made, in which I breezily ignored the 5-7-5 syllabic convention:

Watch out, Mary Lou Retton!

In lieu of commenting on this flarn, I offer you my admittedly unreliable memory of The Cosby Show, which I watched up until Grandpa #6:

Swearing-in ceremony? Did they finally make you Chief Justice of the Universe, Lemur?

Sirs:

I'm thankful my kid was never like that, but if he had been I'm pretty sure we would have taken away all of his Frozen stuff till he learned proper goddamn courtesy.

Incidentally, though I have absolutely no idea what you look like, it still amuses me to think of you crocheting, perhaps with a joint hanging out of your mouth.

Does she seem to enjoy sex when you have it, or does she seem to find it painful?

Well next year you can spend 30+ hours on a beautiful oil painting of Kristoff getting sodomized by Sven the reindeer. Or perhaps that's better as a thought than an action.

Fair enough. Cheerfully withdrawn!

Hey! That's my second-favorite cherry soda you're slagging!

“If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it ought to be good enough for the children of Texas." - Miriam A. Ferguson, former Governor of Texish.

The important thing is that you help me organize these shovels by rate of efficiency.

I hope the actors speak with a proper, Biblical-times English accent.

I wrote a song about a year before the movie came out that made generous use of the phrase. I was very fond of the song. Now the whole enterprise is fucked, and I'm naked in Dikachu's garage. Because of Frozen.

Meh, I think we can do better. Oscarbot: compute me an Oscar winner!

Well thanks to your first line, I now have Matthew McConaughey singing Golden Earring's "Twilight Zone" in my head. I may need to go off on short-term disability.

Damn, I was hoping he was going to slap my face with his "Lincoln Log".

Splitting a half-ounce of magic mushrooms with my friend and then wasting my whole trip having to nurse him once the lizards showed up & chided him for biting off more than he could chew. "khlolup adele dazeem little more experience khlolup," they probably said.