They have a pill for that.

Nice brah-do.

Reminds me of this:

"Half the country was shitting itself in fear of shitting itself." Come out of the greys, sir.

bless you out of the greys

Wonder Twin powers.... activate! Form of: pussy! Smell of: bacon!

...so I told 'em I was Charlie Sheen!

The online birth control part is probably a recording of 3 kids arguing over whether squirrels eat dog vomit and then yelling "Mom!!!!" at which point the caller is supposed to referee.

Did she follow with: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? Cuz I think your barista was Barbara Walters.

I'm available tomorrow!

Is that you, Joan? I thought you were dead!

Where's the TL;DR?

Subtle. Nice!

+1 for correct troll spelling

Can someone please set this to the theme song from Benny Hill?

This just in: Ray Rice is not Jay Z.

ADPi is one of the more effluent sororities.

I have the same philosophy —about pooping. Very, very relaxed indeed.