This is perfect. Thank you.

Ted Cruz combines the charisma of a mortician with the political savvy of the kid who wears a suit while running for high school class president.

This seems incredibly stupid. Ted’s only hope was to keep this as a “toldyaso” but now he’s both disloyal and unprincipled. Maybe Trump promised him Scalia’s special fart and sexual torture room (and the Supreme Court vacancy).

Finally, the coveted lipless weirdo demographic.

I guess it’s a smart move to slip this in on a Friday afternoon, but man, why not just chop your balls off and mail them to the guy?

Can we add a counter-height dog who may or may not lick ingredients within her reach? Also, she gets to lay right in the GD middle of the kitchen floor while you are cooking.

As a South Carolina resident, this is incredibly frustrating. Dylann Roof did not lose any of his rights as a citizen after he was charged with killing 9 parishioners at a black church. He’s just as much of a (suspected) domestic terrorist as Rahami.

The best part about some of these “ISIS attacks” is when all of the facts eventually come out.

Actually, it is.

Best part is that Trump now owes $5 million to charity.

Very disrespectful to the military.

You’d think a guy bragging about building a wall could manage a few curtains.

If it had fallen on him I would have started going back to Church (my mom would be thrilled). Close but no cigar, Jesus.

I searched “below average” and got a nice selfie.

Oklahoma was literally founded on the idea that you should be able to just take things away from Native Americans if you want it bad enough so I am not surprised.

Few classes of people in this world are as batshittedly convinced of their own influence and importance than college newspapers nerds and jesus fuck I miss that world so goddamn much I’m 32 and my DEEP AND IMPORTANT COLLEGE NEWSPAPER EXPERIENCE made me a legal editor in a hidden kingdom of batshit crazy conservative…

“Practice what you preach, Chippewas.” —Andrew Jackson

“I just wish the media would ask these players what they think is wrong and what they think the solutions would be. No one is asking them questions.”

If you’ve lost Kate Upton, use smaller words.

Bullshit.