don’t put that evil on your wedding.

You missed a chance to say “Stick to sprouts!”

“1) Maybe someone will bring her a hot pocket with a saw blade in it.”

If I’m sitting on a multi billion dollar fortune, I don’t care if it came from selling rubber dogshit. Let alone microwave pasties.

+1 for THORNTON MELON!

Unfortunately, she’s gonna have to get used to unsolicited commentary if she’s on the beach volleyball team.

It really is not great. 

Peter will keep the scar. It’s the most memorable thing about him. Without the scar he’s at risk of just disappearing from reality, slowing fading into the background and memories of all those around him.

And you’re one of my commentor crushes. A commentor that’s obviously been spying on our editorial meetings!

Ugh. FINE. I’LL DO IT. 

here I thought it was the spice, but clearly it’s actually “he who controls the data, controls the universe.”

Well, we all knew whoever took up Ricky Jay’s mantle would need mechanical assistance.

Am I the only one who thinks “birthday cake flavor” sucks? Even in the form of a birthday cake? Overly sweet with vaguely vanilla-like notes? When my office birthday roles around I pull a Creed Bratton and ask for a pie.

“Breathe”

I lived less than a block from a Subway for more than five years, and in all that time I ate there once. I remember regretting the decision; the Subway shop closed last year and I don’t think anyone misses it.

Good! I don’t care how awful he is, as soon as we give the government the power to police free speech, we’re in trouble. What happens when the government decides YOUR opinion is classified as hate speech?

Acceptable speech? Free speech allows us to see idiots. When will censorship be too much? What if you talk about another political party will this too be seen as hate speech?

Person dies in movie = fine

Sald.  It’s like malk, but for vegetables.

A strange game, the only winning move is to not play. How about a nice game of chess?