Ok, so I will: Don’t get on any small planes.

If I were him, I’d check under the sheets for a horse’s head before I got into bed in the White House.

DAMN because I really wanted to hear Freaky Deaky ring out over the National Mall

My shirt says

Every good high-ranking exec has one of these people. My boss is one of them. It’s amazing to see the intelligence, grace and diplomacy it takes to act as the right-hand person for someone in power.

Huma is such a phenomenal woman. If I were married to her and did something to cause her to leave me, I’d have to throw myself off a cliff.

I’m glad you made it stop.

Urine is sterile. Germaphobe fans of golden shows should know that.

I don’t know. I imagine it would depend on the circumstances.

Victims of domestic violence retract their stories all the time. Part of the cycle.

He may have suffered brain damage during the tragic goose strike of 1999.

NO! NOT FABIO! He was in my favorite show of all time:

To me, the most realistic part was how, even after Katharine had proven herself over and over again, none of the men other than the boss would even acknowledge her presence. There was no feel-good, sitting-on-a-bus-bench-singing-Kumbaya falsity.

My gran had the loveliest dress shop. She ran away from an abusive stepfather at age 14 and began working retail. She married, but her husband was no prize, either. With 2 kids, she started a small shop - a stall, basically - selling baby clothes. Over her life, she built it up to a sweet business. She knew all of her…

And there are some people who honestly seem to enjoy crap comedy and crap music. It is kind of good, because whenever anyone tells me something like “I LOVE Gallagher,” I know to avoid them in the future.

This is the only David Blaine I like. (I love these guys)

It’s one of those things everyone secretly thinks they’d be great at.

Whenever I see Last Comic Standing, I’m amazed at the people who have been doing it 8-10 years and STILL stink. They either must be resilient or super un-self-aware.

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee is sometimes pretty great. The Garry Shandling one was especially good.

Or his OP Sunwear shirt.