and again, I feel obligated to point out that I am not making this up—the woman who sang “How Much Is That Doggy in the Window?”

Much as I’d like to see my Cowboys in the Super Bowl, Jason Garrett vs Bill Belichick doesn’t exactly scream close game.

Of course, this is coming from someone who hit a fucking giant road construction side beside the highway because he had his head down to be more aerodynamic into a headwind, so....

TIL people are still naming their kid Attila

compared to the president, Johnson here is a Rhodes Scholar.

“Or will it bring terrifying limbless chickens to our tables?”

Great work by the Associated Press.

On a more serious note I think they do this to try to seem impartial and professional.

I’m sorry dear, but these “hot dogs” you imagine don’t exist and have never existed.

No one’s ever told you how smart you are, have they?

Go big or go home.

Who is this Astros team of which you speak, and why have I heard nothing of them here?

Easy there, Yogi. You’ve done enough damage. I get confused every time I encounter a fork in the road.

“You. Wet bag. The wet bag. Stop right there!”

How does Wayne Rooney have anything to do with this?

Hey man, if that means Maria Lasitskene jumps in Tokyo, I’m all for it.

Come on, man. That’s the kind of lazy, prejudiced bullshit these people have had to endure for decades, if not longer. The best ones are serious athletes who take great pride in their work and in the tools they employ to demonstrate their fantastic skills.

Thanks for putting the mental picture of Trump with a boner in my head.

That’s 1987 Indiana University NCAA championship last-minute winning shot...making guy, Keith Smart, to you.

Probably got a GoPro or similar camera, starts shooting, puts down food, walks away. Gopher shows up eventually and stuffs his fat little face.