Wow. My craziest relative is an antiques dealer with a sideline in Nazi memorabilia. I went to college in Germany so I help him out by deciphering the medals and guns and uniforms he collects and sells. I am an expert in the rank and experience of several of these young men. In return, I got a couple of the most…

She’s not married, and her divorced parents vie for her attention via money. Her mother bought her her apartment. It’s incredibly unfair, and when I left the company she was crying and I said, “Don’t cry, I’m going to be doing something else and by the way I happen to have the last paycheck and here it is. They’re…

The horrible thing is my former boss is female and a friend, so she laid me off, which was awkward enough, but it’s just business, no hard feelings. A few months ago I said to her, “Why don’t you pay X as much as you paid me? She’s doing twice as much work.” And this woman said, “We have to keep the payroll down and I…

Is that a true story, about your uncle wanting to kill Jimmy Carter? Why? Did he have a romantic relationship with Betty Ford, or with Jerry?

I’m a guy, it’s true. I got laid off a few years ago and a very talented woman who worked for me succeeded me. She makes 80% of what I made in 2010.

I’m pretty sure Lily Tomlin doesn’t. But as for the rest of us: Bring it!

I went to college with a young woman from Louisville, one of the funniest and smartest people I ever met. We used to play this drinking game where I would teach her how to speak like a Bostonian and she would teach me how to speak like someone from Louisville (“Lowavul.”) Over time we both developed those bland…

I had to google Wade Robson because I’m old and know nothing. One of the first results was a piece about how he’s suing Michael Jackson’s estate because MJ raped him when he was a child. That was a nice way to conclude my evening.

But weirdly there is no Kardashian involved.

It is people like your MIL that make life worth living.

My friend is an actor, you’ve probably seen her. So there’s that “Oh my God is that…?” factor. She makes a ton of money so she has no interest in a fiduciary arrangement but the only men who will approach her are Wall Street types looking for trophy girlfriends (often the guys are already married.) I’ve said to her…

Thanks! I try. I’m not particularly religious or spritual but there is something somewhere in the Bible that says if someone needs help and you are able to offer that help you have to. I’m also a little bit of a lunatic. When I’m on the subway I always have a couple of oranges with me, and when someone comes through…

Gay me has a female friend who is like that. She’s just a little shorter than my height, so about 6 feet, and stunning. I am often her date because men and women are too intimidated to talk to her and they get Bedazzled, so I am the schlub who acts as an intermediary. Plus she speaks a foreign language that I can…

I have posted a version of this story before. I am a grown man who was in a Duane Reade in cosmopolitan Manhattan standing in the checkout line with four huge boxes of tampons. The bro behind me said, “She must have you pussywhipped pretty good.” I said, “I am gay and I’m buying these to donate to a women’s shelter.”…

I told you before that when I needed to create yet another burner account I considered DEFLATEGATE but reneged in deference to my fellow Pats fans. I can just imagine The Gronk on Family Feud:

Caitlyn Jenner has done the world a great service and I think she knows it. How many people in her situation thought they were the only people in the entire world who felt the way she does? And yes, social media, everything’s online, but when cranky relatives who would not be visiting websites devoted to transgender…

Post a picture of soldiers raising the American flag at Iwo Jima. That’s a good one. There’s also a picture of firefighters, accompanied by a priest I think, standing in the rubble of the World Trade Center and looming over them is a giant steel crossbar (I think it’s called) which resembles a crucifix.

LOVE your username.

I was at a very small party a couple of weeks ago and there was a guy there who just radiated beauty. It was otherworldly. He was very friendly and fun, but so beautiful it was distracting. He told me his name, where he lived, what he did for a living, where he grew up, told a couple of funny stories about his…

We’re only on one dog at this point but he’s a puppy, so he’s good for two or three.