The thought of my grandmother building hotels on Baltic and Mediterranean and calling them whorehouses and then losing it all and saying “the girls will have to swing on poles” made me fall off my chair because I was laughing so hard. My grandmother was uber-Catholic, to the point where a priest used to come to our…

My husband has a trillion miles on one airline. I haven’t flown coach once in the last 30 years. Europe? No problem, and throw in the hotel! The problem is we always have dog(s) and he travels constantly. So, having a husband who travels a lot has its benefits and drawbacks.

Chicago to San Francisco. I’d have to be flying that plane to be forced to make that trip. Happy trails, to you…

Someone once said to me, in relation to another person we knew in common whose parent was about to die and leave her a lot of money, “How would you like to basically live your life with nothing to do but wait for your father to die?”

She really was the best grandma ever. We used to play cards a lot, and she always won, and I would say something like “dammit I should have played the three of hearts!” One of my parents would come into the dining room to scold me. My grandmother would look me in the eye, which was our signal that I should stay…

I belong to a death pool (it’s gross, I know; we bet on who’s going to die next) and Prince Philip is on the top of everyone’s list. Our emotions range from “My God Harry is hot; good for Diana for screwing that Royal Guardsman” to “it’s so sad what happened to Betty’s kids. Even Edward, who was kind of hot, has…

My nieces and nephews from different siblings all went through public school. Their parents were traditional SAHM and a Dad who was not in a SAH situation. Same for all their classmates. Suddenly one of their daughters was placed in a class where the teacher was a former Miss Something-or-Other and Parent Night went…

One of my best friends convinced her husband to name their son after me. We have no sexual history. They’re both only children and are kind of estranged from their parents. It’s funny/strange not funny/ha ha to me that their whole line might die out and the last living relative will have my first name and my last name…

HALF-naked? Go big or go home. What is the matter with youth today?

And a friend of mine lives in the building in that Cumming/Seaman photograph. It’s all fun and games until your children get into middle school and they have to describe where they live.

When I was a teenager my grandmother got a bad flu for a couple of weeks. She lived with us and although I am male the two of us loved each other very much so I was assigned sponge bath duty. The first time I saw her breasts, which were the size of frying pans, I was extremely squeamish and she said, “Lift them up and…

All I know is that when 2 AM rolls around I have a couple of “friends” who like to make me aware of testicular cancer, via Instragram. I could not be more aware of testicular cancer unless I had it myself.

I guess I’m the first one in!

This must be what the person quoted above meant about “the DNA of Skymall.”

I think I was seated next to them on a flight I took last summer.

Serious question: I wonder if there’s a canine version? You can train most dogs to do almost anything, from sitting on command to sniffing out drugs and bombs to detecting an oncoming epileptic seizure. Surely you can potty train them? Or maybe there’s no market for this, because you can also house train them fairly…

Hello again!

But to err on the side of caution make sure the handcrafted masonware is from a popup store in Brooklyn whose wares are carefully curated.

A worse torment would be they escort him through a very convoluted series of transfers to the G train and say, “enjoy the ride.” Some prison sentences are shorter than the time it takes for the G to show up and you go three stops.

Hi! You’ll never read this because you’ve gotten over 1,000 comments so far (someone has hit a nerve!) but I love your writing and I’ve been reading you ever since your Hairpin days. FWIW I’m a childless male and children screaming has never bothered me. People always ask me why, and I tell them that it’s the sound of…