This is such a strong piece.

I’d have taken up gin.

I worked at Yale’s Manuscripts and Archives for a year and change in the mid-90s. We were forever finding fabulous texts and objects, like Camille Paglia’s typewritten PhD thesis, or part of the prow of some alumnus’s whaling ship. My personal favorite was the wooden card cabinet filled with a sort of bibliography of…

I was a nanny for a few years. Not one employer was ever inappropriate with me.

Car accidents scare the hell out of me, and those photos scared the hell out of me.

Gross. I grew up with live in nannies. They were all 18-21 and cute. My father managed not to fuck them because he wasn’t a piece of human garbage, and his lifetime commitment to my mother meant something to him. I honestly don’t recall him even looking at them inappropriately. He treated them professionally, and…

Don’t feel bad, she has millions of dollars to spend on people who help her look her best all the time. If you have millions of dollars paying people to help you look your best and still not managing it, ok then maybe hire some new people better at their jobs.

oh GAVIN GAVIN GAVIN. Why must you also be a cliche? I’ve loved you since Glycerine in the rain, man. And you’re a nanny banger like that bro Affleck? DISAPPOINTING.

But baby it’s less rapey outside.

Too bad we can’t get all the people freaking out over Starbucks to direct their rage to this.

I totally get this! And I’m stealing “Botwin-ed” But you know that’s all on Jenji Kohan, right?

She needs to stop pretending like she got that tumor ass from squats and deadlifts. She had fat transfers to make it bigger. You can tell by her IG “gym” posts that she doesn’t even use the correct form when doing squats, so it’s obvious that she fakes the fucking pictures.

I mean, he does have that one poem about how you should totes bone during the day and not just at night.

I would respect her more if she just wrote, “The key to having the body you want is a bank account that can get you there” and then nothing else.

The musings of John Donne clearly have a huge influence over the Kardashian family. Their guiding light, if you will.

“Kurt Russell” was the name of Disney’s beloved boyhood sled.

I used to live in Santa Monica, California and there’s this place called Bay Cities Deli on Lincoln Blvd that has the best freakin’ sandwiches EVER! I’m not kidding - if you try to go during lunchtime to get one, good luck. You’ll have anywhere between 30-40 people in front of you, but I digress.

I would have thought Colonel Sanders would be a breast man.

Well shit, had I known you could use stories about people being nice...

This is only tangentially a food story, but it ends up in a Starbucks, so there you go.