Wait, did I just navigate to The Onion by mistake, because there is no way that this is a thing in this century. Is there? Please say no. Even if you have to lie, just say no.

Wow. You’re not kidding; John C. loves the pope WAAAY more than me (although I sort of don’t give a shit, so there’s that).

The old saying rings true: nothings is so singularly exhilarating as jumping out of an airplane. Nothing is so incredibly boring as someone telling you about the time they jumped out of a plane. Things that suck:

What the holy hell is going on with that haircut? I thought NFL owners were rich. I think he got this cut from a couple homeless guys around the burn barrel. My eyes still ache.

Yes, but they were paleo-flavored Doritos. Sort of tasted like bugs and bark.

We also lost our ability to detoxify, which is why we need to go on juice cleanses (or coffee enemas) every few weeks.

No, it is not proof of being great, but less killing and raping is OK by me.

Western faiths: if you are good you go to heaven, if you suck => hell.

To be fair, that beard is pretty freakin awesome. It represents several months of investment in neck-scratching as he grew it out. I would think it is worth a couple free hot dogs at the concessions, but $20K is a nice ask.

Just to prove that it’s not just the Abrhamic faiths that are chock full of mysogyny, the big Lama proves that all religion is messed up.

Whodathunkit? A drug-addled owner can’t put together a cohesive, functional football organization. Will wonders never cease.

Realistically, how many football fans are willing to drink a pile of beer, wear a ridiculous get-up and scream on the sidelines of every game.

It will set off a resonant frequency black hole and be the end of the world as we know it.

And I am sure that Tom Brady was more probable than not generally aware of gravity, its effects, and their novel anti-grav technology. Since there are no guidelines for punishing use of anti-grav technology, Brady has been sentenced to a lifetime ban for his probable general knowledge.

Brady’s collarbone is fine. In other news, I am waiting for this week’s injury report to see if he broke his own nose.

Breaking Jerry’s collar bone would help nothing. Breaking his jaw bone might save western civilization. I am getting to my happy zen place just thinking about that a-hole’s jaw being wired shut for a few months.

But like an elite QB, he didn’t throw that pick. Flacco would have thrown it.

Not to flaunt my ignorance or anything (here I go), but am I the only one wishing there were a “You Are Here” flag on this map. And where are the unicorns and leprechauns? Those should be labeled too.

It had to be done...

Come on dude. He just had his appendix removed through his kneecap. Cut the guy some slack.