Not in a crawlspace, but a hay loft. First boyfriend was a young dairy farmer. And it was my first time. Young romance, woo!

I lost my virginity in the 8th floor stairwell of the main engineering & science hall at college. Raw concrete, freeze-ass cold, and pitch dark except for the glow of the emergency exit sign one floor down. I had just met this Daniel Ash lookalike guy at an Alien Sex Fiend show, and I just wanted to fuck him…

No, I get claustrophobic if I’m in a space where I can’t stretch out.

I realized the other day that parenthood is really just a test of how much of another person’s bodily fluids you can stand to be covered in and for how long. The other day, I found a smear of poop on the outside edge of my hand about an hour after I had last changed a diaper. Now in my pre-mom life, finding someone…

Yeah, my version of FLAM is wake up tired at 5:45 AM, proceed to hustle three kids through two hours of getting to school routines, caffeinate myself into consciousness, bulldoze through a day, cry inside when the evening meal I prepare is thrown away and I’m castigated for never making ANYTHING GOOD, I cajole, beg,…

YES! Both times I was like - is it too late to change my mind??!

*I* didn’t want to be in the room when I was giving birth, so I’d only have welcomed Ms. Perry if she wanted to trade places. Seriously, while pushing I said, “I don’t want to do this anymore” and my OB said, “Eugene, you’re THE ONLY ONE who can!”

I picture her stating. “I’m very sorry

I'm really happy that they are getting rid of the headphone jack. It frees me from feeling like I need to buy their new phone.

Whatever. I’m not gonna front like I haven’t been giving Apple my money for all these years and I’m just gonna stop now.

Of all the things that make me angry about Breitbart, the thing that is making me the most irrationally angry is this snippet:

She’s auctioning them off. I hope she spends all the proceeds on something hugely impractical, just because she wants it.

I like Katy Perry, she seems like she’s having fun in life. So many adults are so joyless. They watch Big Bang Theory when they want to laugh, but they don’t have pure, unadulterated, silly fun, they’re too busy looking for decorating ideas on Pintrest and discussing their children's sleep habits. Or maybe it’s just…

I’m really happy that the kids have been taken away from these awful shit heaps but I’m sad that this will be ignored by our government because why try to combat the conditions that allow for this to exist. Nah just scatter the children into an overburdened system and bring more bodies to the prison money machine…

Yeah, I do not get why the university is dealing with these issues at all.

That would be Sky High, arguably one of the greatest movies ever made.

My mum once remarked that she had no idea so many Asians would pick ‘my’ name (Kevin) but she doesn’t regret it. She does regret my sisters’ names a little (Patricia and Matilda) because she realises they’re a bit too old fashioned, but my sisters love them (they’re Pat or Patsy, depending, and Tilda or Matty,…

Tentacruel is a perfectly lovely name for a girl.

But, if you’re going to get arrested for smuggling cocaine, Australia is probably an ok place to do it. No death penalty, relatively cushy jails and shorter sentences than many places...

Wait, Americans listen to Kyle and Jackie O? Why?