That won’t work. Everyone knows the rich kids’ squad over at Maret won the city championship last year.

My mom solves that problem by drinking my cooking cans while I'm not looking. 

Can I trade moms?

I used that excuse once when using bourbon for a barbecue sauce. At least I thought it was the best sauce and time I had ever had.

Adam Gase’s beard is the male coach’s equivalent of the Elizabeth Holmes voice, right? 

That’s not too far off- in Oregon Trail II, your wagon was more likely to tip over if you went up or down hills too fast or with an overloaded wagon. So the advice you would get would usually be to not do those things. Which is good to find out, after your wagon has already tipped over and you have lost all your…

Agreed.

You are mother fucking right it did!

Wow, that’s an unusual bit of casting for that character, but I’m excited to see what she does with the role! I wonder if there’s any chance they’ll bring back Eddie Murphy to play Donkey? And as for Fio-

I had been suspicious for a long time that something was up because of their similar, horrible taste.

“He’s been around a Super Bowl winner” is an incredible slight.

Good thing these guys never went to Mitch Hedberg’s McDonald’s franchise...

If enough people want to read them, of course I’m down. 

It looked like some kind of, I don’t know, fire drill perhaps?

I mean, Madison Bumgarner basically won an entire World Series by himself.

The performances vacillate from wooden to overwrought, and rather consciously so.

Since you asked, Leonard Floyd also got called for a bullshit personal foul for legally tackling someone earlier in the game.

Deadspin: Let’s Remember Some Guys

What kills me is that this is a decision someone consciously made. Some actual human being is that stupid.

His son could tell you that unhealthy scratches are worse.