If I was able to look into a crystal ball and know Ann Coulter was staying in a hotel room after me, before checking out I would totally set the alarm clock to go off every 20 minutes starting at 3 am. Her life should be nothing but miserable discomfort.

Seriously, this is like when “American Express” emails me about the fact that they're updating their site, and all I need to do is sign in and give them ALL my info, and meanwhile, half the words are spelled wrong and the syntax of almost every sentence is half-ass backward. Who falls for that?!

The “Internet Crime Complaint Center” is a thing? And it’s more legit than “Nigerian prince”? Who knew?

Get the hell outta my head, man!

Tanehill historically hasn’t been able to throw longer than 15 yards, even with Marino’s quiet coaching. Suh isn’t even remotely the guy we thought we were getting for $114 million (other than the stomping, of course). Philbin’s the same placid asshole he’s always been, and it sounds like his defensive coordinator is…

Never watch Say Yes to the Dress. You will be appalled by the “budgets” mentioned by brides. When they drop $9,000 on one of those tacky Pnina Tornai monstrosities, it's mind-boggling. At least an Oscar has a chance of becoming an heirloom.

A $4,000 Oscar de la Renta wedding gown comes in a fairly sturdy white garment bag plainly labeled Oscar de la Renta. How did it find its way into a trash bag?

Yeah, it's three weeks later. How's that working out for ya?

So is Foodspin just a dead blog now? And where the heck is Burneko? Such a disappointment.

The only question that tripped me up was the politician I related to most. You really needed a “none of the above” choice in there.

Thank you! This was like Shonda’s version of a Law & Order: SVU. “Ripped from the headlines,” etc. And does Shonda still think we are rooting for Fitz and Olivia to be together? Such a letdown.

I’d vote for Olbermann, because you know that cantankerous SOB will cobble together something that will make you cry - but will he have another job by then? What the heck is up with KO’s employment status?

Lena should be an absolute delight when menopause hits in 30 years.

“To be clear, when I stumbled on the photos, it was from a Facebook profile link he had sent me.”

Yeah, this seems like the start of one of those stories you tell your kids: “Grandma is in the hospital, she isn’t feeling very well,” when in actuality, Grandma kicked the bucket three days ago. Dude is married, he’s just leading up to it because he’s a lying, cheating coward.

“ ... all it’s resulted in is a player who almost definitely did what he was accused of sticking his middle finger in Goodell’s face and getting off scot-free.”

Did he always own a bar? I thought he used to be a landscape designer or something. Or am I thinking of someone else?

I’m not crying. YOU’RE crying.

Cue the inevitable lawsuit by the family to the deep pockets of the team, ballpark and MLB for serving him until he was too intoxicated to be responsible for his actions.

Reminder: Justin Verlander is very good.