Lincoln made the mistake of thinking he'd be able to see the next part through and not get shot by another Southern heritage fan.

For someone who supposedly doesn't drink, he's doing an ace impression of the belligerent drunk guy at the party who just "wants one more chance to explain what he said!"

Tell that to the dudes with the swastikas who showed up.

Problem is: otherwise history is only contained in books and books, as far as they can tell, are mythical spirit beasts that taunt but evaporate into giggling mist when you try to touch them.

For the thousandth time in the last year I read something, thought "is that a real thing?", looked it up, contemplated drinking myself to death.

Hell, Arnold actually lead and won some impressive victories for the States before turning traitor. Where's the "yeah, but this statue only commemorates the good part" arguments for him?

How did all these Klan members get into this imported Italian marble?!

Sculptors have been known to say that they don't carve statues, they simply remove the parts of the material that aren't the statue. Is it our fault all that material contained statues of traitors?

He's the showy tip of the revisionist spear that tried to reframe Reconstruction as a terrible travesty that valiant Klansmen had to save the country from instead of a noble idea that had shown actual positive results even though it had fallen into the hands of leaders (Andrew Johnson in particular) who hobbled it…

The last shithead who tried to lead the master race was a scrawny, balding weasel who shot his mouth off about the superior strapping Aryans so it's a thing with that type.

"My interests are poetry and massive ecological disasters. The poetry kind of took off but I'm finding time for the other."

My brother's not that obnoxious about it but he does enjoy reminding me he's an inch taller than me, which so what. He goes on about how tall his kids are and I say "their grandfather was 6'6' so good job."

I also like the "this changes everything what are you going to do next? I'm going to work" ending. It does what no other big victory ending does. It feels great in the moment, but you have to wake up tomorrow and live a life.

Bonus points when they tear between lanes of cars when traffic is stopped. If I had better insurance, my door would accidentally open all of a sudden a lot more.

With a whole swarm of torch-lit runners-up standing in line behind him.

You can pretend you were born on third and hit a triple but you still haven't left the dugout.

Gotcha. I feel the same way about them. If you try enough times, you're bound to get something right I guess.

No, I know he's largely liberal now, though I'm not sure how much of that is to look better at the Hamptons. And I agree he brought those types on to make fun of them, but when you're making fun of everybody that becomes a neutral effect.

"Almighty, there are so many parents down there asking you to cure their kids of cancer."
"Hmm. If I do that then it gives it all away."
"Then how can you show your awesome power to your creation?"
"That's what football games and Grammy awards are for."

If she had responded by Large Marge-ing you and then saying "Tested and passed" it would have been kind of awesome though.