Shelters run out of names. We actually had a full library of books of names to give shelter animals, and one of them actually suggested naming a dog Mohammed. The reason given was because the dog was so beloved, you should name it Mohammed. I had to explain to the other workers why you shouldn't name a dog Mohammed…

In my previous life as a shelter worker, I was tasked with naming strays that came in. Once for a litter of Siamese kittens, I named one Bangkok, another Phuket, Pattaya, and Chiang Mai. My boss put the kibosh on Phuket (he said it sounded too much like "fuck it") and Bangkok (obvious reasons), so I gave them the…

True story, my ex boyfriend called her radio show after the 2000 election and somehow managed to convince her for a brief while that it wasn't Nader's fault that Gore lost. He still is the biggest Nader guy I know besides my boss, and he maintained that Gore's inability to distinguish policy preferences from Bush led…

Do not mention Dallas Love Field and ebola in the same sentence. Just last week I hopped on two planes heading in or out of Dallas and both times some germy asshole was hacking up a lung next to me. I pray that it was tuberculosis, MERS, or the common flu rather than this.

Nigeria is a bad example. They cordon themselves off by tribe and religion. For example, their civil service is ran by mostly one tribe, while their military is ran by another. This was all planned out by the British, of course, and it has led to their encounters with Boko Haram and retrieving those girls a…

That hand looks like it could be covering up the nastiest case of herpes-syphilis since Nietzsche. Seriously, this dude looks gross.

Meemaw always said, "Idle hands are the devil's workshop." Get these folks a hobby or a job or something.

This episode was the good part of my childhood. Down to the teacher with the "Semitic good looks."

Remember when Family Guy was funny?

Referring to black people as "urban" is racist as fuck. I had cornrows back in the day and no one ever called me "urban." And I would fit some sort of stereotype—troubled minority teen getting into fights, going to an inner city school, parents checked out on drugs and living off the welfare dime, etc.

To be fair, TB is not terribly uncommon in Mexico.

I actually think it's a good idea. A lot of women (like me) don't know how to do self-exams and forget about them on a regular basis. The female's partner is more attuned with what her breasts feel like.

You could be like the people at the Wal-Mart I go to and have explosive diarrhea all over the wall and toilet. The way I imagined things, they were squeezing and walking cross-legged to the toilet, made it inside the stall, pulled their pants down and whilst in mid-squat, their ass exploded.

Holy shit, are you a CBS writer? That sounds like their entire fall lineup!

To be fair, I just looked at it for 5 minutes completely sober and had to stop looking away when I was about to have an asthma attack.

Are you really pulling a Rumsfeld on us? "The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence."

It's possible that a group of monkeys sitting around for 20 years learned how to use the internet and randomly typed this and sent it to the gaming convention.

This is the reason why I wear polyester briefs under my skirts. Fellow Texan ladies, you can get them on Groupon for 10 bucks for a three pack.

You can't make assumptions.

Oh man, that's a bad story.