Hey Jeets, Barack here. Listen, I heard you were retiring and I wanted to congratulate you on a great career. It's too bad the Yankees don't make a stop in DC this year, otherwise I could have thanked you personally for that time in St. Louis when you told me to "throw on some mom jeans, and chuck it like a sissy".…

You're way off, I say you're way off this time son!

Well at least Native Americans can take some solace in knowing that their off-season campaign against the insensitivity of certain team names and mascots has apparently resulted in a precipitous drop in scalpers.

I too felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of commentors began typing their British/hockey player teeth jokes, and were suddenly silenced.

"The key to winning will be keeping enough crackers in your back pocket"

The design makes a lot more sense when you take a look at the chief architect's car.

Canadian actually, but I'm not going to fault you for that mix up. Not in this thread, anyways.

Anyone else hum the theme from Hockey Night in Canada when they were reading "Head Nigga in Charge"?

Bad timing my man. Juan Valdez and his countryman need all of our support after the heartbreaking loss to Germany in the final.

Geography can be a very tricky subject early in the morning.

What I'd give for a hearty shove from an Australian who didn't recognize me.

Never forget ... to get to Exhibition Stadium early if you have general admission tickets. Otherwise you might be sitting 70 yards behind the outfield fence, facing the wrong way.

Well now barefooters ... let's hear your arguments again for not strapping a couple pieces of rubber onto your feet before going for a run.

So the guy gets a little excited around a pretty girl. I do Nazi what the big deal is.

In my town there's a gym called "No Body Denied Fitness". Recently they opened another gym called "No Body Denied Training Facility for Women". I think a better name would have been "No Body Denied Unless it's Attached to a Penis".

91 points without a single 200-yd passer, 100-yd receiver, or 100-yd rusher? The Canadian coach has every right to call off the dogs, but have some consideration for the guys like me who went heavy on the hosers when drafting his U19 International Federation of American Football fantasy team.

The last time Robin was accosted for cheating outside of a hotel by a lunatic with weird markings on his chest, he swore he would never again use the Bat Phone to access Grindr.

Safety first. He's the Black Mamba, not the Brown Trout.

This is a good time to mention that pairing the words "Canada" and "Cup" in a comment about soccer is a good way to get your sweater pulled over your head.

More pressing question: do other people's national holidays fall under the "vacation" category for day-drinking? Because my crown-and-coke breath might be more easily forgiven on this lovely Canada Day.