I've prepaid to be made into a Lifegem. Because my family is against it, but far too cheap to shell out their own money to do something else.

OMG, that is fantastic. Do I know anyone that would work on? Because I would totally steal that.

She was forgetting people she slept with so she started a "shag list"

Butterface.

I know its demeaning, but I kind of really love how British people refer to girls as "birds."

Your family's gifts sound so much more interesting than mine. The last gift I recall exchanging hands was a toilet plunger. Preceded by a fire extinguisher.

GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

"Is that Jennifer Lawrence? I heard she got a haircut... I don't know about it. I just don't know..."

I will say we did have someone flash their tits to start the boat races, but just a flash :)

You, madame, are most definitely not a basic bitch. That is some excellent advice.

Sorry this is a little off topic... but DAT LIPSTICK. I want it. And the ability to pull it off.

Was I the only who was hoping Jules and Mimi was real at the time?

I really, really doubts she cares that you don't approve.

That body makes me want to give up carbs and devote my life to Pilates. Hot damn, girl!

Thanks! I think they're funny. They sound like how my sister and I communicate with each other.

not to brag but i was maid of honor in her actual wedding

Yes! Like being a puppy!

Dear Open Letters,

Hey all, avid vagina-enthusiast and lifelong penis-owner here.