Goddammit, I was all ready to jump in here and make a Pat Sajak shirt joke, and here you are, faster, and with a much better one.

My son is also named Bort.

Here, I found you a button: http://nooooooooooooooo.com/

I hope this is actually the cover they’re going to use for the next issue.

Thanks for the new ringtone!

I’m guessing he got lost on his way out of North Haverbrook.

Kyrie lies! Come on down to Cleveland town, everyone!

Welcome to the Dark Side, Lindsey.

Just one more thing started by black peope that white supremacy ruined. This whole thing is SO American.

“I love America more than any other country in this world, and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.”

Dude, you could’ve just said “stick to sports!”

He already has an Emmy. Coincidentally, it’s for the opening number of the 2014 Tonys.

If you read that Larry Michael profile in John Facenda’s voice, it makes it almost tolerable.

LMM got robbed. It probably won’t be his last chance at an EGOT, but who knows these days.

Kirk & Callahan were seen furiously masturbating in the press box as their brains were overwhelmed by the intensity of the takes for tomorrow’s broadcast.

It’s a good thing he learned to compose himself and tune out critics like you.

There’s a Butthole Surfers joke there somewhere, I just don’t hate myself enough to make it

Dammit, now I need a new handle.

For the bacon: cook what you’re going to eat, then with the remaining slices, put one down on the edge of a piece of parchment paper. Fold the parchment paper around the slice so the bacon’s rolled up into it. Repeat for x number of bacon slices. Freeze this stack of bacon in your fridge for single-serving wrapped…

I left the same reply on a friend’s FB post of this article: 1500 words and he couldn’t use one of them to apologize for being partially responsible for foisting this melon-tinted abomination upon this nation. He can go get fucked.