"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

Luke 6:36 Be you therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.

Oh man, I'm a slightly obsessive hand-washer. I probably wash my hands about fifteen times a day (even more if I'm cooking—I like using my hands to sift and rip and tear and measure and toss and lift. Feels great. It's like communing with my inner cavewoman.) I live in the city and touch a lot of communal surfaces,…

I wonder if some of them live somewhere like the Rockies, with near zero humidity. It can get hot in summer, but I've never had sweat rolling off me while visiting the western U.S. Now, in the south, the sweat will roll off you & the humidity will leave you soaking wet from head to toe- all within 5 minutes of being…

Cue all the people in temperate climates talking about how showering every day is bad for you.

Here are the real deciding factors on how often you should be showering:

You can have my SLS when you pry it from my cold, Amurrican hands.

I get angry if I don't shower every day. When I find myself angry, I start thinking of reasons why I am feeling agitated and realize I haven't showered since the early hours of the day before. When I exercise I shower more. Actually showering before exercise seems to motivate me, then of course I must shower after.…

To everyone out there: shower as much as you goddamn see fit, no one has to live in your skin except you and those scarab beetles from those Mummy movies

Any longtime viewer of Sesame Street knows about anxiety already from Big Bird, who thought he was hallucinating Snuffleupagus for YEARS until the good folks at PBS decided to allow other muppets to be able to see him too.

Audi and BMW must share the same patents.

An unremitting penis tailgated me for most of morning commute today. BMW and Audi drivers, man, the fucking WORST.

Yes. Also all my movements are controlled by Jim Henson's ghost.

So this is you, basically?

Fred lacks the strength of his convictions. If I got the chance to be a Sleater-Kinney roadie, then come hell or high water and fuck my Muppet arms, that shit would be lifted.

Why do you think we are so reluctant to give up our neckbeards?

How is this any different from those of us who spend hours reading books and have been doing so since childhood? This whole, "technology is ruining everything" has to stop. Long before I had a smart phone I was avoiding people in buses/trains/waiting rooms by looking down at a book.

Won't the same thing happen to you if you're always reading and looking down at books? I plan on telling everybody I got my smartphone neck crease from being a voracious reader.

I'm sorry, Fred, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome Carrie is.