I remember reading about him when I was a kid, and mostly I remember the off the field stuff.

It’s like Alien Vs. Predator...but somehow the beasts are even uglier in this one.

SNL? Man, that show isn’t nearly as good as it was during [insert era in which I was younger, had a more positive outlook on life, and was long enough ago that my nostalgia filters out only the good memories].

So edgy! Take so hot!

Would you be surprised to learn I think Ozzie should have pink-slipped Rice the moment he saw the headlines? That I think Rice should have actually gone to jail? Ray Lewis didn’t kill anybody. There’s video of Ray Rice hitting the former Janay Palmer—even if Goodell tried to claim he hadn’t seen that video before it…

Based on what? Settling a civil trial?

He hung out with shitheads who got in an argument that escalated and turned deadly. He had no part in the killing and shouldn’t have been charged with murder in the first place. In the end, he copped a plea to what he did do (obstruct justice), and the two morons were acquitted on basis of self-defense. He settled…

I want to turn Ray Lewis canton speech into a drinking game. Ray says“Jesus” drink. “God” drink. “Fake Crying” drink. Every time Ray crowbars an “I” statement, Drink. If he ascends to heaven on a beam of light, Chug.

I also hope that I am well thought of in my home town even after I help murder someone.

I’m not sure you have a grasp on what Ray’s faults actually are.

I look forward to Ray’s speech. For all his faults, he meant a lot to the team, and to this city.

Some people aren’t safe anywhere.

“HAD A 22 CALIBUR HANDGUN IN HIS PANTS POCKET WHEN IT DISCHARGED AND BLEWPENIS OFF AMPUTATED PENIS”

Even better when you add some in:

Speaking as the father of two boys (now 20 and almost 18), let me state that “valuable lesson” is a euphemism for “until next time.”

You have a superfluous ‘Penitentiary’ in there.

STEPPING OVER DOG GATE AT IN-LAWS’, MISSED STEP & CAME DOWN ON GATE ON TESTICLES

I’m so, so, so glad my genitals are internal. Rather like how “I fell on it” is never a real reason for things stuck in your butt, you have to work to harm your vagina with rare exception. If you or another person didn’t intentionally put something in it, something’s not going to happen to it past a yeast infection or…

Disclaimer: I do not own a penis, so I say this with (what I believe to be) a fairly objective viewpoint. Although you may, of course, feel free to discount my advice.