Shut up. You said something stupid and you’re rightfully getting roasted for it. If you had any sense at all, you’d shut the hell up. You managed to thread the needle of having the right idea but still sounding like a complete fucking idiot. Do yourself a favor and stop talking.

I have no control. I power through a shift regularly while claiming my bathroom breaks are anything but me going to go puke in the nearest bathroom. It’s not fun and demonstrates an almost complete lack of control. Oh, and also too, it can and will eventually kill me. Learning to manage and live with it is the only…

Yeah, post again about free will when you’ve experienced DTs. When you reach that point, alcohol stops being a crutch to manage a traumatic experience and starts being a thing that keeps your heart from exploding. Withdrawals can be really scary and very deadly.

Isn’t the real Bon Morte also just a complete asshole who created an army of sock puppets to make it look like there was support for him tearing down young writers every Saturday? Whether it’s a spoof troll or not, I’d dismiss anything any Bon Morte says. They’re all just assholes in one way or another.

Right, just like modern NHL goalies are better because their pads are bigger. Terry Sawchuck totally sucked.

Women’s soccer is actually a way more fun sport to watch than men’s. There’s more scoring because the net is the same size but the goalkeepers are shorter.

Way to go, 3rd wave feminist who hasn’t actually done anything for the cause of feminism. Also, mighty progressive of you to make it racist.

How the fuck do you not know what cod is? I went to A Salt And Battery where my GF insisted I try the deep fried Mars Bar. I’m allergic to fish and on one bite I could tell it was fried in the same grease as the cod. I spit it out and vomited furiously. “What’s wrong?” “You honestly can’t tell this thing is saturated…

I don’t care. The AMA disagrees with celiac.org.

No, fuck that. There is no such thing as gluten sensitivity. Scientifically proven, not debatable, totally does not exist. You either have celiacs or you don’t. I can’t count how many times when I was waiting tables someone said they have a gluten allergy and then ordered a beer. If you actually have celiacs, you…

Wayne Fontes was our most successful coach. The rage that fact throws me into whenever I think about it is a sight to see.

You gotta up your game as an alcoholic. Eventually you’ll just stop giving a fuck and do it without justifying it.

I’m not as well versed as you on this, but that’s what I was thinking too. How do you go from the Luftwaffe to the SS? That makes no sense at all. And being stationed at Buchenwald without knowing what’s happening at Buchenwald? That is utter bullshit.

Obama didn’t dupe anyone, what the hell are you talking about? He ran against the stupid war Mrs Clinton voted for and he won. Why would you even bring up the hope and change stuff in a negative light when you’re in the bag for Hillary? Do you have any idea how incoherent your political philosophy looks here?

He didn’t really do all that much for my Tigers when he was in Detroit, but he’s such a humble, classy guy. He’ll always be The Mayor.

Hands down, the best monologue I’ve ever seen on SNL.