Ironically, that hat is the worst high. If he dies having sex in that hat, they basically cancel each other out.

Also, "Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP," is lifted directly from Drew's application for Chopped.

For perspective, I ran 10:20 at states in high school, and only came in 12th. But in his defense, I can't come within a minute of his time these days.

+100 if there are tissues and hard candies inside.

If you're going to punch a horse, at least aim for the teeth.

We don't see many dislocated hips anymore. Must be because they've made the game safer.

And now who's supposed to be the spokesman for True Value Hardware??

That's one way to ensure a Ducks pond for the kiddos.

Oh, sure, the commish has no problem with that work on Prouts Neck, but he was pretty adamant that he wouldn't support damaging nearby Prouts Brain.

That Titan P&H deal explains why Chris Johnson couldn't see his way through the blockage last year.

Huh. Never knew that Wil Chamberlain was such a fan of Mariano Rivera. #themoreyouknow

I can't wait for the Lions to snap it to him on along the sidelines and instead of running it in, he bends one like Beckham and throws up three-goggles.

"Sir, I said SIR! I am a golden-tongued orator, but you leave me no choice but to settle this matter by means of fisticuffs. Now, in the words of my grand pappy, CAN YOU DIG IT??"

Poor No. 16 has wet its pants.

No, no, no, Spike, that mouth is supposed to be employed only by gals like Jenna Shea.

I'd like to mention Wolverine's cameo in X-Men: First Class, in part because it's the first time the studio has ever gotten that character right.

So there's a new commercial by a toilet paper company that tells me that I'm not doing the whole job because I'm not using their baby-wipes-for-adults. They're probably right, no?

"I shall use the fist bump to speak to the President in his own terrorist sign language."

"Weak - he should've used Facebook," muttered Tim Thomas, before diving back into his bunker.

"White shirt" represents Tiger's new status as a born-again virgin.