My mom and dad went to the Anti-Vaccine conference and all I got was this lousy case of measles.  

It’s absolutely amazing to me that living in a world where there has never been greater access to knowledge and scientific research is making so many people even more stupid and less educated than they would be without that access.

During the summer between 7th and 8th grade, I decided I was going to start calling everyone at school “hon.” I don’t know why. I’m not Southern. I can’t for the life of me explain how I came up with “hon,” but I think I just wanted to be known around campus for having a “thing.” And my “thing” would be calling…

My summer reinvention was a reluctant and failed one.

Not as embarrassing as the time I found out that Keanu Reeves had a cervical spinal fusion the same day I did (a tidbit dropped by my surgeon who knew his surgeon) and sent him a love letter asking him if he “wanted to neck” (neck/make out/cervical spine) In my defense I was on much many painkillers. I’m pretty sure…

My first job at a fruit sorting warehouse in high school. I lived in a small town in Oregon and the warehouse was literally down the street from my house (this was near Ashland, famous for the Shakespeare festival, but not in it.)

dropped out of school, and worked in a pizza shop. That was pretty cool. Then I went to Alaska with a couple friends. The trip was really cool, we bought an old car and drove from the East coast.

I started up an online relationship with an unrequited love from college while I was living in New Zealand and he was living in LA. We had never kissed or been together at that point, but it was intense and passionate only in the way a long distance relationship can be. Lots of build up. What could go wrong? He bought…

LONG WEEKEND PLANS!

When I was in my mid 20s, my best friend from highschool who had some codependency issues got married to this military guy I didn’t really know that well. She is kind of a loud mouth, and he is very, very quiet, so the few times I hung out with him he said literally nothing to me. When she got engaged, she asked me to…

I got you

What was your AWESOME WOW! Great, Good, Bad, Ugly this week?

The move was only about a block away so I felt comfortable being a little casual with my packing. One of my choices was to tape up the drawers of my night tables rather than empty them. My boyfriend at the time (now husband) handled the tape duty. When they arrived at the destination I noticed that the tape was a…

Does it count if I was the author of my own suffering? My excuse is that I was in my early 20's and an idiot,* if that helps.

I just want sympathy points: my worst move happened LAST WEEK and I don’t even have any awful or hilarious anecdotes, it was just mundane gruelling stress of being given notice of eviction, frantically trying to find a new place in a horrific rental market (Dublin, Ireland), managing to land a place, and moving all…

“Stunning”

Perhaps they should just get a cat. Checks all the boxes except “manage money.” Cats can’t manage money for shit.

HOP HOP HOP into that pussayyyyyyy

Gay dude here. I was OBSESSED with this guy at the gym in college. Gorgeous, blonde, and drove around with a geriatric golden retriever in the back of his pickup truck. Legit snack. One day he saw me stretching (I begged my mother to let me take gymnastics and dance classes and wear lycra as a child—ahem—shoutout to…

I most definitely snorted a Pixy Stick during an assembly in fourth grade. I don’t recall the subject, but a bunch of us were sitting on the gym floor watching a movie and the lights were out. I was hanging with my bestie and the two boys we liked when one pulled out some Pixy Stix and dared us to try snorting one. Of…