I wish actual rent got that low.

What’s weird about it is that they can’t tell him that it’s right there. It’s not about the cookies.

Cruise is a known moron.

I woke up one night screaming in terror because I had a dream that Donald Trump started to make sense.

Oh THATs what just landed on the lawn. Dogs got it.

If you think a minor traffic infraction remotely justifies attempted murder: Fuck You.

With those glasses he looks like a cross between Kid Rock and Edna Mode from Incredibles

All I know is that one time when I was 14, I was being a total bitch to my mother as we were walking down Oxford St in London. Instead of getting cross and telling me I was being an asshole, my mother (a creature of mirth and magic and farts) proceeded to drop her shopping bags and began to perform a jig. It was a…

It’s pretty much the job of every parent to be perilously mortifying to their kids, isn’t it? Some kind of law of nature?

His lips are pursed, not tender, his tongue juts in and out

“We can do better.”

jesus tapdancing christ are you fucking kiddddinnngggmeeeee

No one wins here.

Ditto, except I bled very very little but experienced such excruciating pain that I had to stop him from continuing so I could assume the fetal position and cry. But my injury was RIIIIIIIGHT on the clit.

A testicle got stuck in a butthole.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU GUYS?

Yeah, accuse me of being an unamused old, but this is gross behaviour...

Homeless junkie pees on yogurt shop floor = sad and pathetic, needs help.

“After laxatives couldn’t relieve this glamorous case of constipation”