I have a theory about people who become wildly successful/famous on the level that Steve has achieved: their relationship with their past, pre-fame and success, is an either or proposition. Either they embrace it. Or they shed it like a snake sheds its skin, leaving it in the middle of the road, to dry up and blow…

And now you understand how balloon pilots navigate.

I hope someone drops a house on this bitch so her own words can be applied to her.

Keep watching. It gets better.

To be fair the water started it when it was all like, "What's your problem bro, y don't u like bein' wet all the time?"

Accomplice: Ok Aaron, in and out, no evidence. We hit the target, and leave.

Yeah. I can't make jokes about Tom Cruise being a weirdo Scientologist anymore because it's just not funny to me. It's so, so goddamn sad. All of it.

But then you can feel the ecstasy of being a grandparent!

My mother has a lot of mental health issues (bipolar depression and borderline personality disorder) and she doesn't process guilt at all well. So she denies things so aggressively and persistently that you start to wonder if they ever really happened. I am (mostly) estranged from her because she was emotionally…

Are you in real life?

You, and Tom Cruise.

I'm going to open a testeraunt.

This smacks of the sort of devilish thing a 3rd or 4th grade me would have written. And my precocious self would have printed and punctuated it just as neatly. I call legitimate!

Looks like Detroit still has a crack problem.

Which one is Gordon Ramsey?

He looks like Uranus.

"I've eaten plenty of girls' thongs in my life," Brian the Samoyed boasted to The Post. "But I've never eaten hers."

It's a bad day for Brian-related Jezebel news.