We know it was your cousin.

If only this was true. Anything to get them to break up.

I enjoyed lassoing people and dragging them behind my horse until they were dead, but yeah, the scenery was good too. Different strokes...

He looks like a ‘70's Pan Am steward who woke up with his mustache gone after an amyl binge during a Miami layover.

Fuck Chad every damn day!

They could easily make some money off of this if they marketed it right.

I thought they were so you can send a terrible gift to people that you secretly hate, but can’t be accused of being a bad person, just bad at selecting gifts.  You know, like a gift for your mother-in-law.

Their live shows are great, can confirm.

I just saw them live last month for the second time and they’re still awesome! They played a lot of classics, but mixed it up pretty well and (except for that Africa cover) I’d say it was overall one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to. 

...and throw salt on when they won’t leave you alone.

My kids wouldn’t even eat most of what he’s making. They’d be like, “where’s my PB&J?”

It’s unfortunate I don’t have a star to give you for each of those pretentious kid names.

They charge a pretty hefty sum if you go over your allotted mileage too.

My theory is that the 10 Mill wasn’t just for Cohen. It was for Cohen to split or otherwise funnel to his client, Trumpkin.

Truth. Valentine was too judgy for me especially when I just wanted to shoot some mouthy dipshit in the face. Let me be me, glorified robot.

Is it required to be with wire hangers for it to be authentic Joan Crawford dip?

If it doesn’t have lizard people, I’m out. 

The love emoji I suppose.

What about my rights to not practice a religion or even recognize others “beliefs” as valid if they have no scientific backing?

But what about Cocoa Krispies? I think the Cocoa Krispies milk would be better than the Cocoa Puffs due to the increased overall surface area of the smaller krispies over the puffs.