Dear Penthouse,

Simple: spoon or fork up some of their meal and go: “Choo choo train pulling into the station... Open up! CHOO CHOO!”. If the patron turns away and/or spits up the food, you know they weren't into it. Otherwise, you just earned that 20%!

“Heartland” is too smarmy. How about “The craplands.”

Roses are red
Some balls go foul
Here’s A-Rod shitting
Next to his towel.

I agree with you on almost every single one, but I will die on Nicolas Cage hill....

I’M JUST HERE TO SAY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT NIC CAGE.

I would eat IHOP over Waffle House every single time.

Rays: where did you learn to leave huge parts of the park unoccupied?

Whoa there, chief. Why don’t you go check the color of your energy.

Pitchfork randomly shitting on an album 27 years later is peak Pitchfork.

I bet he fucking planned it, too. Killed ‘em with Mallex aforethought.

It’s actually a peninsula.

that was very (zap) RUDE (er) of you

Freddie: *smashes a home run*
Me: *makes fun of little Charlie for getting owned by his dad*
Freddie: *runs offscreen*
Me (seeing that he never returns to the picture): “Just like my dad!”

Freddie: *smashes a home run*
Me: *makes fun of little Charlie for getting owned by his dad*
Freddie: *runs offscreen*
Me (not understanding object permanence): “Where’d he go?!”

Infinite Tucker is known to check into hotels as Buffalo Bill

Alex

There’s a little known national park there that a small number of completionists want to visit to check off their lists.

Rome? I thought it was more of an Albany style.

New York then Boston then everything else is fucking trash.