Women's Professional Soccer Escapes Extinction, Lives Furtively With Shrewd, Warm-Blooded Mammals For Extended Period Of Time, Undergoes Morphological And Behavioral Adaptations To Expand Geographical Range And Achieve Ecological Niche, Gets Hit By Truck

Actually, that's Albert Pujols you're talking about.

Meanwhile, just in time for the holidays, a local tattoo parlor is offering a Virgin Mary tramp stamp.

The tragedy of it? The tragedy is that Jessica Alba ended up with herpetic lesions and a lifetime prescription for Valtrex simply after searching Craigslist for "one nightstand."

Sandusky did indeed vow to fight for four full quarters, as he remains unaware that the Peter Pan Adult Video Arcade now accepts both dollar bills and tokens.

True, but just wait till you try my Gherkin Colada.

What you don't realize is this: Much like the wave-particle duality exhibited by quantum-scale objects, I have the ability to occupy two time zones at once. Also, I make an excellent dry martini.

Why does it say Edited by AzureTexan? That's weird.

You're in. Make magic.

Album of the year, hands down, is The Ghost of Don Ho Sings Bing Crosby's Bluesy Renditions of Richard Clayderman's Shoegaze Interpretations of the Jazz Standards of Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute, Feat. Wiz Khalifa.

"Head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs, John Calipari!"

Look, if it’s a parliament run you want, check out the George Clinton 5k and Funkadelic Fun Run, held annually in Chocolate City.

Hmmm. If my calculations are correct, you must have arrived in Tuscaloosa right around the time of the tornado — so time really did fly by. But seriously, I hope everything turned out all right.

You're in Tuscaloosa! Dude, good for you! You'll have a blast down there. Embrace it, man.

Even if that dude were a deaf-mute, he'd still communicate with his feet and hands. A magician, that guy.

He is soooo deserving, but I was convinced that the Luck hype would overwhelm the kid from Waco.

Dude, I have not been around much, so I didn't know any of this.

Fuck yes!