I think deep down we all know this ends with Antonio Brown joining the New England Patriots.

I don’t make the bed, but I do like to throw a blanket over it. Just right on top of whatever’s there. Pillows? Clothes? Other blankets? Gone! That bed looks tremendous.

Those hashtags are bad. Except for the Panthers. #KeepPounding. No way at all that one backfires on social media.

Amen. I’ve all but given up reading Splinter articles. It’s like watching the Harlem Globetrotters. Objectively pretty cool from a distance, but get closer and everyone’s doing the same trick over and over and my god it’s all just so much spin...

I cannot believe that in this day and age—this year of our lord 2019—that there are folks out there who still have not learned proper gas station etiquette.

I used to believe that a paintball format game show could have potential. Now, who cares? TV is dead, cable is deader. Would the kids watch it on YouTube? “Look, it’s Fortnight, but old and messy and boring!” No, I suspect the kids would not.

I was at some cocktail party and ate what I thought was a fried mushroom. It was a fried olive.

Same reason I always order a shot with my beer. Can't get drunk on whiskey if you're buying beer. It's just math. 

“The Last Y’at from White Flightsville” is the Dr. Suess book about gentrification that we didn't know we needed. 

Tough, but fair.

I would quibble with those numbers — possession, as they say, being 9/10's of the law, the per-player share of a play’s outcome probably skews much higher to the ball-carrier — but you’re not wrong: the NBA and MLB scenarios, despite all the variables in the lead-up, place the outcome 100% on an individual act, whereas…

Only after giving blood at a blood drive in high school did I remember that I had a track meet in a few hours. Naturally, I was concerned for my health, so I did the only logical thing — I told no one and ran anyway. I ran the best 800m time of my high school track career! If I recall correctly, I finished sixth.

Look, I’m an idiot, but I’m not insane. The scenario asks for a first down, not 10 yards. The best possible scenario here is a fake field goal from considerable distance (since I’m probably a placeholder in this scenario, which is literally the only way to get me onto the field without drawing the absolute focus of…

Just when the last y’at from White Flightsville finally, FINALLY stopped bitching about Bountygate...

God help me, I’m voting NFL. Unlike the other two, there are 10 other players who can block and run a play designed for me, an idiot, to run 10 yards. Basketball offers a scaled-down version of this scenario, but the size of the court makes actually scoring much harder. And that’s another reason to choose this…

Indianapolis has I-70. Goes right though. You don’t even have to stop. 

There’s a Jersey Shore in central Pennsylvania!

The worst thing about youth sports is adults. 

Same. It’s been a workhorse, and a reliable one at that.