Me: [Clicking through pictures of ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend on Facebook]

Also, what the fuck does this even mean:

Unfortunately, we lost him in a series of mergers in 2012. Great man tho. 

Very true. My uncle was a notary public. That career is no joke.

Captain Luck has spoken:

Dearest Mother,

I, too, wash my hands before they get dirty. It’s just a totally normal thing that normal people do! Why am I pouring bleach down the drain? Oh, I just washed my hands, so I’m just cleaning the drain. Have a great weekend! 

Barry, if you want to double site traffic, then consider doing a Why Your Bear Sucks blog in advance of bear season, which it always is. Because while many people are fans of, say, brown bears, many more people are not fans of brown bears. Just an idea.

My damn dog’s dying. Here’s a good dog song. And here’s to all the good boys and all the good girls. Go hug a dog, people.

I dunno, Barry, that Vipers logo looks like something I doodled on the brown paper bag cover of my third grade math textbook, which, as I’m sure you know, means it’s rad as hell.

Thanks to the many “enlightened” fast food menus here in NYC screaming caloric information at me, I know a cheeseburger, milkshake and fries at Shake Shack nets me 1,500 calories. How many times could I do that in an hour? I’m willing to find out.

This is good shit. Which is to say, it’s terrible. But thank you for it. 

so bland that it doesn’t really end up tasting like anything but tartar sauce.

If we weren’t all just balls of insecurity trying to get through the next social interaction, how would we know we’re alive?

Wow, incredible. You’re the first to mention it.

Even at 239, Trump is comfortably one of top ten best presidents of all time, if by “best” you mean “the most of” --

I would watch this show.

Look, this situation was untenable. Something had to give. And when I look at this situation I place the blame, as I do with most things, fully on Maroon 5.

Probably the one that kills me immediately so I’m less embarrassed seeing the water change colors as I piss myself drowning.