A communal penis will either get you thrown off a train or confirmed to the Supreme Court. Depends on how much money it has.

Please, it’s not a hot dog.

The Late Cretaceous.

To be fair, Trump really only has one negotiating tactic: a willingness to back up against the edge of the void. It doesn’t really matter who he’s engaging. So, yeah, the Democrats will fall for it, but only because Trump’s entire political existence exists on the wrong side of the event horizon.

What’s perverse about this, considering we’re talking about the Democrats, is that somehow Trump is both Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner in this metaphor.

I watched this game at a bar where the nice lady sitting next to me, who seemed interested but not into football, couldn’t stop talking about Mahomes. This is truly a remarkable thing that Mahomes is doing — encouraging any woman at a bar to talk to me! What a world!

If you want a hot take about time management, try this one: if the game is tied inside 2:00 and you don’t have all your timeouts and you give up a pass that puts your opponent in field goal range, maybe don’t tackle the guy! Let him score. The odds of scoring again once you get the ball back can’t possibly be any…

One of the central tenets of the organization is to refrain from masturbation (the “no wanks rule”)

Nice of him to replace his divot though. 

I know it's just a friendly, but that's a fantastic win for USMNT.

Here to help.

“1A” is the kind of advanced statistic that’s ruining the game.

If the ball is juiced, it’s soul is morally compromised. The problem isn’t the algorithm — it’s that math is just too pure for the game.

Only one way to settle this: Adler and Slocumb. Two tools, one room. Only one Hammer can leave.

Black Cow can refer to either:

I never understood those ads. “Fixodent and forget it!” Given the core clientele for the product, let’s be honest — that’s not saying much. “Fixodent and remember it!” Now, that’s something!

“Who’s ready to adjudicate like it’s 1796, motherfuckers!”

This should be stressed. 

I thought it was some local suburban chain in [insert Midwest city] but turns out it’s a national franchise? Or maybe regional? I dunno, I’ve seen them in a few cities now. Think hipster Krispy Kreme — bacon-maple or lemon raspberry almond marzipan or sea salt-caramel-goat semen. “Fancy.”

Ugh, you are -just- like my 3-year-old -- smarter than me.