My absolute favorite part of this story is the part where the Cleveland Browns “wanted to send Gordon to the NFC.”

Perhaps for the first time ever, Coach Meyer considers his best defense and fails to acknowledge the offense. 

The Browns don’t lose one game and suddenly this is a franchise that won't tolerate losing. 

That’s some bullshit. At an absolute minimum, the purchase ought to be converted to a rental and the difference in price refunded. Apple is operating in tremendously bad faith if it permits such a user purchase and then chooses not to or can’t secure the rights purchased.

I like it. It looks like a shriveled old acorn, from which might grow a very racist oak tree.

Since when has being “a proven liar” been an absolute obstacle to holding elected office in America? I don’t care what candidate you’re talking about, this is a patently ridiculous line to draw in the sand.

To be fair, the Democratic Socialists are a populist movement. It’s a mirror image of the conservative Tea Party ideology, but both are a popular response to similar concerns. 

The thin blue like.

Bad News EMS: When you’re injured, ask for Bad News first.

This is a true statement.

The photos of the rashes associated with the disease are pretty gross... and just to be safe should probably avoid having kids.

“I didn’t see it and can’t comment BUT HERE’S MY SHITTY COMMENT”

To be fair, not appearing on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, as career moves go, is fine. 

Nice try, Governor.

Makes perfect sense. Communism, much like Northwestern’s offense, only works in theory.

Oh, wait, I found the “Let’s hear it from fans of Tori Birch” section.

Wait, no “Let’s hear it from fans of Tori Birch” section?

Yes, certainly the news ticker was not invented in 2001. I intended “became A Thing” to stand in for something like “revived in its current form.”

Apropos: the on-screen news ticker became A Thing on the morning of September 11, 2001. Fox News, actually, was the first of the networks to use it that morning.

Fine, but you don’t always go to breakfast with the bagel you want. Sometimes you have to breakfast with the bagel you have.