You do realize we're indoors… oh. No he didn't. What a mess.

As in, what you probably use to do Monday crossword puzzles? Wrong!

RIDDLE ME THIS, AV CLUB!

And only four minutes too late! Oh, what could have been.

You seem to be laboring under the dual misapprehensions that this riddle format is restricted to syllables and that I take riddling advice from random yahoos on the Internet. Allow me to divest you of your ignorance. Also your life.

Since when do I care about you being comfortable?

I like these new self-punishing victims. Saves me a lot of time.

You can make Simpsons references as long as you don't keep repeating all of the trapdoor-related ones that got driven into the ground, so to speak, in the first few weeks. I, of course, can do whatever the hell I want.

TIME'S UP!

No second guessing! Take your punishment with dignity!

WRONG!

Really, people, a simple acrostic is the best you can do? I'm not designing the back of a cereal box here!

Ah, I see what you did there. Very clever in each part, but doesn't quite add up to anything, does it? Still, since you're the only one so far who's actually tried to solve the whole thing, I'll only grievously injure you a little.

But in another, more accurate way, no it isn't.

Oh dear, it seems that your FEET have failed you now. No, wait, it's just you that failed.

That's not a nice thing to say about the Puzzler! Accurate, but not nice.

Oh, I see, you're simply incapable of forming complete sentences. Also something of a pervert.

As a longtime Arkham resident, I'm quite used to being the sanest person in any given room.

I realize mindlessly repeating catchphrases in place of actual discourse is a proud AV Club tradition, but I hold people to higher standards around here!

WRONG!