I thought you were just aiming for another nickel.

If there was any period of your life not spent residing in my basement while toying with your anus, I missed it. And since when have you been attracted to anything besides age 50 and over male hobos? Live-in girlfriend my ass.

Somebody, please hire him. He's been living in my basement for years without paying rent and the smell of buttholes and latex is starting to creep upstairs.

@avclub-3c23902822283144c09d87f123545c87:disqus If you were a parent, you'd understand. I'd gladly crawl through a pool of sewage for my little @avclub-472d722b57a4ed37e41e70c9c9d7d0f3:disqus , though no doubt I'd find him there eating feces and/or pleasuring himself.

Guys, could you do me a favor and pay attention to my little @avclub-472d722b57a4ed37e41e70c9c9d7d0f3:disqus ? I know his comments are terribly stupid and seem to be written by a mildly retarded adolescent desparately seeking attention, but he's trying so hard to fit in and it just breaks my heart. The poor little…

That reminds me of the time I brought @avclub-472d722b57a4ed37e41e70c9c9d7d0f3:disqus to the pediatrician and had Child Protective Services called on me. They were mightly curious how a young boy's blood was 15% semen. I told them to just look his ruptured anus…it isn't rocket science. Hmmph.

Now son, you're got no business making fun of others for putting strange things in their mouths. I remember when you first started sucking hobo dick for the family business, and trade increased tenfold overnight. Turns out the little scamp @avclub-472d722b57a4ed37e41e70c9c9d7d0f3:disqus was  giving away rimjobs on the…

Dear, you forgot to be funny again. I don't think you understand how jokes work. Why don't you just sit this one out? You don't have to comment on everything.

Do you think smacking women is humorous because you're bitter towards your crackwhore mother, or is it just a violent compensation for your inability to perform sexually?

Now dear, I understand you're bitter about being born with genital warts covering 75% of your face after travelling through the infected birth canal of a crackwhore, but that's no reason to be insensitive towards others. However, I do have to take full responsibility for the brain injuries sustained during the botched…

I'm sorry fellas, ever since that botched backalley abortion where I caught @avclub-472d722b57a4ed37e41e70c9c9d7d0f3:disqus right through the frontal lobe with a clothes hanger but didn't get the job done, he's been mentally defective and prone to spewing this incredibly unfunny jokes all over the comments. It's so…

Be careful who you idolize, sweetie. I remember when little @avclub-472d722b57a4ed37e41e70c9c9d7d0f3:disqus was just a lad, and one winter he his tongue got stuck to the genitals of the frozen corpse of a dead cat on the side of the road. It took the fire department over three hours to get his mouth off of that…

Allow me to explain why @avclub-472d722b57a4ed37e41e70c9c9d7d0f3:disqus sucks. His persona is a broad pantomime, a rye parody of a guy who sucks hobos dicks in an alleyways for nickels. Sure, you could blame me, his poor crackwhore mother for modelling this sort of behavior in front of him for a young age. But can you…

You did always love sucking cock. Not that there's anything wrong with that…it just got so tiresome going back and forth to the pediatrician for gonorrhea of the throat. I must have spent half the money I made gang-banging crackheads in the alleyway on antibiotics for you.

^ Case in point. Did you ever tell your friends on this internet messageboard how you were born without genitals? Fortunately, some of the festering boils you had from travelling through my STD-infected birth canal passed for testicles and we figured you could pass for male.

Son, stop lying. We never figured out which one of the seven black crack addicts in that gang bang was your father. Even if we had, they could barely afford Hennesy, nevermind Johnny Walker Black.

If you were going to edit your comment, you might as well have made it funny. That was almost as embarassing as the time I had to leave work (the alleyway where I fellated hobos for nickels)  and bring you home after the school nurse removed your classroom's pet goldfish from your anus.

Remember the time no one was willing to be near you in the real world so you spent Saturday on the compter desparately trying to the last word in an argument with a fake internet whore version of your mother? That was kind of depressing, wasn't it?

Is that a joke? I can never tell. You were a spectularly unfunny child and it appears to have carried over into what now passes for adulthood. I blame the clothes hanger puncture wounds in your brain.

Nobody is "faux" mocking. You really are unloved.